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Mom's New Year's resolutions for her kids

POSTED December 28, 2017 2:32 a.m.
The new year is a time for renewal, a time for promises and a time to vow today to become better humans tomorrow.

Each year, I get super excited about my new resolution and work hard for several months until I forget all about it until December rolls around again and I have a vague notion that there was something I was supposed to be doing… or becoming… or something.

Anyway, I have passed on this gung-ho resolution-making/utter lack of follow-through to my children. They make grandiose commitments and then promptly forget them. So this year, I am going to help my children with some easy, attainable resolutions that could definitely make them better humans in 2018 (and coincidently, make my life better in the process).

Top 10 Totally Doable Resolutions for My Children

1. Put the laundry in the laundry hamper, the trash in the trash can and the shoes in the shoe bin. What? Blasphemy! I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but bear with me. What if in 2018, we get clothes and trash actually inside the intended receptacle? Not near it. Not kind of, sort of half hanging in the bin, but all the way in.

2. Eat all the dinner. Just eat it. All of it, without stopping every bite to ask how many more bites you have to eat. Just eat it until it’s gone. Not mushed and spread around to look like it’s gone but actually gone. The same philosophy applies to room cleaning, which somehow gets translated to “stuff everything in the closet and then spend an hour making tissue-paper beds for my Squinkies.” Eat it ‘til it’s gone. Clean it ‘til it’s clean.

3. Do nightly chores without the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Instead of looking utterly shocked when I announce it’s time for chores, maybe just do what I ask, which is the same thing I ask every single night.

4. Commit to stop and ponder the universe in non-high-traffic areas. Perhaps doorways and hallways and stairs and immediately next to my car door are not the ideal places to stand and think your deep thoughts. In 2018, let’s keep moving through the door or up the stairs instead of somehow always knowing exactly where I am going to step next and finding a way to get there first.

5. Detach underwear from pants before putting it in the laundry basket. (See No. 1).

6. Replace the toothpaste cap. While you’re at it, maybe go a little easier on that toothpaste tube. I’m not sure what happened in that bathroom, but I doubt that poor tube deserved it.

7. Treat bedtime as more than a suggestion. Stay in bed after tuck-in rather than getting up for the water you forget every night or to show me the new papercut/hang nail/loose tooth/weird bump on the back of your neck that you somehow managed to forgot to mention all day but has suddenly become an emergency situation that you have to show me right now or you’ll die.

8. Pick stuff up. When you see something on the floor that doesn’t belong there, don’t step over it or on it or around it. Pick it up. Even if it’s not yours. (I’d add put it away, but we’re shooting for attainable here.)

9. Use the hooks. I’m talking about those pointy things sticking out from the wall next to every entrance in the house. Those are for your coats and your backpacks. See them. Use them. Love them. If your jacket and backpack and shoes do end up on the floor by some fluke of the system, refer to No. 8 for what to do next.

10. Flush the toilet. Maybe not even every time but just occasionally. Just to prove that you can.

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