There are no secrets among friends

God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NBC began promoting Jimmy Fallon’s debut as the Tonight Show host next month. The network gave Jay Leno 15 million not to host the show after they gave Conan thirty million not to host the show. If NBC wants to save some money, I will host it for 5 million.
France’s president Hollande said he will choose between his girlfriend and his mistress before they fly to the U.S. for a White House sleepover in February. A French romance is a lot like the calorie content in pizza or movie popcorn. Too many questions just spoil the fun.
The Social Security Administration reported Friday 11 million Americans collect disability. What’s happened to this country. Fifty years ago, the most popular ride at the amusement park was bumper cars, and today it’s the most popular ride at the grocery store.
Mars One is a Dutch company taking applications for volunteers willing to fly to Mars and live on a colony. They’d live in a protected bubble and pay no rent, and be provided free food and free drink. Americans have been training for this mission since the New Deal.
President Obama addressed a secret meeting of NSA officials Friday about foreign and domestic spying. He told them after talking it over with advisors, he’s decided to place limits on the NSA’s telephone surveillance program. The NSA officials said they already knew.
Afghanistan’s parliament banned smoking in government buildings and restaurants and bars Friday. You must smoke outside. There aren’t a lot of health benefits to smoking, but not being inside the pub when a drone crashes through the roof has got to be one of them.
President Obama ordered the NSA to stop data-mining phone calls in friendly nations Friday, mollifying Australians. The Australians are furious because their own government supplied data to the NSA about Australians. They’re being treated like a bunch of criminals.
President Obama stated Friday he will name a Privacy Czar to protect Americans from unwanted government surveillance. That’s terrific. If the Privacy Czar works as well as the Drug Czar has, naked pictures of you will soon be in the phone book next to your number.
Los Angeles boiled under record heat Friday as wildfires swept the hillsides. It’s crazy weather time out here. An earthquake hit the San Fernando Valley that hit with such a sustained roll that Justin Bieber had to lead the house next door by three feet in order to egg it.
Justin Bieber was warned in Internet postings from fans Friday to clean up his act and stop partying or lose his career. There are many role models in Hollywood he can keep in mind. This March it will have been thirty-two years since John Belushi’s had a drink or a drug.
Pope Francis hosted an interfaith meeting in the Vatican Friday as polls gave him huge approval numbers. One newspaper ran a photograph of him kissing and hugging a disfigured guy on the streets of Rome. It prompted calls to give the pope a break, we all have our fetishes.
Alex Rodriguez was suspended a year over his connection to a Florida steroids lab last week. His elaborate ruse was busted by investigators. Iran didn’t think the inspection of their a-rods was serious til they found out that it will be monitored by Major League Baseball.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com