Let the fireworks begin

Happy Fourth of July, everybody, and God bless America.
Fourth of July speeches and parades tend to turn kids into conservatives says a Harvard study out Tuesday. The teacher’s union is horrified. Apparently, it just takes one patriotic speech and a fireworks show to undo 270 days of public school education.
NBC will air a Miley Cyrus concert on the Fourth of July to mark Independence Day. The network says Miley twerks, she sings and she shows some serious skin. Independence Day is also celebrated with fireworks in Great Britain as the day they decided they’d rather keep India.
The World Cup will feature Germany and France in the knockout round today. There’s simply no better way to enjoy the Fourth of July than to watch a World War II re-enactment battle between France and Germany. The difference is, the game could take 90 long minutes.
Belgium eliminated the U.S. team in overtime Tuesday in the World Cup before millions of U.S. viewers. They played a 100 minutes before anyone even scored a goal. Millions more Americans would have watched it but the Paint Drying Network had a Semi-Gloss Marathon on.
Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel called U.S. soccer goalie Tim Howard and congratulated him on his performance against Belgium in the World Cup. It was epic. During the knockout quarterfinals, Tim Howard broke Billy Graham’s record for most number of saves in two hours.
The Pentagon sent two hundred more troops to Iraq to secure the Embassy Friday. Syria has erupted into new violence as Israel and Gaza opened fire, and now ISIS of Iraq wants to be called the Islamic State. The War on Terror is God’s way of teaching geography to Americans.
Google announced it’s going to ban all advertising for porn movies and porn videos in a blow to the Industry. However, X-rated websites were given approval to have the XXX domain name. Surely this is going to confuse many Americans when they’re shopping for clothes online.
Southern California protesters blocked a convoy of newly-arrived illegals from entering an immigrant processing center on Thursday. The illegals are pouring into the country faster than we can detain them. There was a car wreck in Mexico Wednesday, ninety-three people had to be airlifted to the hospital.
Kentucky was named the most obese state in the country in a recent Centers for Disease Controls survey measuring weight and heart disease and type-one diabetes. In a way we all set the state up for the honor. Leave it to Americans to name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Aaron Hernandez was put on the New England Patriot calendar in the middle of his three murder trials Friday. His jersey is a top seller. DC comics released a comic in which Superman kills somebody, and then, at the end of the comic book, he’s signed by the New England Patriots.
Joe Biden contrasted himself to Hillary Clinton Monday by telling an audience that he has only $15,000 in the bank. No one would mind if Joe gets rich after he leaves office. Americans have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny you can pay him.
Quinnipiac University released a poll reporting that 33 percent of Americans said Barack Obama was the worst president since World War II. Two of the favorites are Jack Kennedy and Bill Clinton. It proves Americans prefer sports where the stars get to use their hands on the field.
President Obama dared Congress to sue him to stop him from bypassing Congress and enacting laws himself. What a funny twist. Republicans worried for sixty years that a Third World dictator may obtain nuclear weapons but they never thought he’d be in the White House.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.