Exclusive Excerpt: "Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!" by Tom Purcell
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
"I'm not sure I have the energy to keep up."
First a disclaimer: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012 should not under any circumstances be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2012. They are as different as red satin cummerbunds and Liar's Dice. Duck liver and Spanish moss. Matched pearl necklaces and motorcycle handlebars.
In response to an increasing demand for bachelor's degrees, community colleges in more than a dozen states have expanded their programs to include career-oriented, four-year degrees. Advocates say these programs – which typically require approval from state lawmakers – better respond to student and employer needs by providing affordable bachelor's degrees.
BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how's everybody?
Help us, we're falling and we can't get up again.
I won a jackpot on Thanksgiving. I didn't even have to pay a buck to do it either--who says you have to play to win? We visited mom, now retired for two years this New Years Eve. As it turns out, she's taken to retirement very well, and plans to make a career of it. Because of this, her wardrobe needs have changed slightly, which is where my jackpot comes in.
Are we seeing the beginning of the end of Syria's detestable Bashar-al Assad regime -- or the beginning of a new international crisis swirling around it? Or both?
That "most wonderful time of the year" has arrived, and with it, most predictably, another round of attacks (yawn) by Secular Humanists doing their best to destroy the season by removing the Christ child from the crèche.
The Republican controlled U.S. House of Representatives by a bi-partisan vote of 245-139, has passed the STEM Jobs Act which makes 55,000 additional immigrant visas available to foreigners who have earned advanced degrees from U.S. universities in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM), to whom U.S. employers have offered jobs. Twenty-seven Democrats joined 218 Republicans in supporting the bill. Five Republicans joined 134 Democrats in voting "no".
The latest fiscal cliff plan from President Obama promised $400 billion in entitlement savings. An analysis by the Washington Post of the likely composition of those "savings" showed that nearly half of those cuts would come from requiring prescription drug rebates in Medicare. That would be a huge mistake for the country's fiscal and physical health.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
It was one of my favorite rituals every year.
Remarkable new wonder drugs have caused a new confrontation over pricing wars between manufacturers and health plans, now reaching a fever pitch over hepatitis C treatments from Gilead. Unfortunately, rather than the industry players settling the issue through negotiation, health plans are turning to Congress to step in and arbitrarily limit prices, which could undermine the investment that is critical to developing new cures.
As the Giants and the Royals went at it, the bigger game for some fans took place in the hours before the first World Series pitch, playing baseball's season ticket-holder roulette.
Here it comes. Creeping down dark alleys. Overturning garbage cans and spooking black cats. The scariest day of the year. With the exception of your next birthday, that is. Halloween. All Hallow's Eve. The night preceding All Saint's Day. Time to carve a gourd.
The media has been obsessed this week with Renee's Zellweger's new face, with articles quoting plastic surgeons on why she doesn't look like herself. Zellweger says she looks different because she's happy now and doesn't admit to having plastic surgery.
We all know what an act of Islamic terrorism is - except for our lame duck-in-chief, that is.
Is Mel Brooks smiling?
If more Americans were self-employed independent contractors, the country would soar.
"Ewww!" said my wife, when I told her that BrandsOnSale.com is marketing leftover "Breaking Bad" meth lab hazmat suits as Ebola Containment Suits this Halloween, at $79.99 a pop.
Everything you need to know about Bruce Braley was made clear by the candidate himself in a thirty-seven second video of him speaking to his real constituents - his fellow trial lawyers - at a fundraiser in Texas.
Let's take a break from our Ebola freakout and debate something a bit more benign - like word usage. For instance, why do we keep using czar?
How much would you borrow to buy something that you would never use and might kill you and everyone around you? If we're talking about Uncle Sam's outdated and useless nuclear arsenal, the price tag is $1.1 trillion. A better-and cheaper-idea might be doing what Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan and a host of others wanted to do in the first place: Get rid of nuclear weapons.
Former Clinton Administration Labor Secretary Robert Reich recently called on the government to force young people to spend two years either "serving" in the military or performing some other type of government-directed "community service." Neoconservative Senator John McCain has introduced legislation creating a mandatory national service program very similar to Reich's proposal. It is not surprising that both a prominent progressive and a leading neocon would support mandatory national service, as this is an issue that has long united authoritarians on the left and right.
Arrogance doesn't sit well with most Americans for very long.
"Politicize" is a jab meaning the other side is trying to capitalize on a news topic. "The Republicans have tried to politicize the border crisis," says Nancy Pelosi. Reince Priebus says Democrats are trying to politicize Benghazi. Jay Carney says Republicans are trying to politicize Benghazi. Steny Hoyer says Republicans are trying to politicize the VA scandal. Rush Limbaugh says Democrats politicize EVERYTHING.
Add Ebola to our long and growing list of federal screw-ups.