Last week can lose my number, stop telling people we dated in college and untag the pictures of us together on Facebook.
Here we go again. When the 113th Congress convenes in January, legislators are determined to waste valuable time and energy in yet another futile effort to pass what they refer to as comprehensive immigration reform. Most Americans call it amnesty.
Back in the late 1970s, when the now-legendary Lee Iacocca took the reins at Chrysler, he was reputed to have told the union bosses, "Look, boys, I've got a shotgun to your head. I've got thousands of jobs at seventeen bucks an hour. I've got no jobs at twenty."
As a former Marine Corps combat engineer, I appreciate Army general George S. Patton, Jr. Just before his troops stormed Normandy beaches to help liberate Europe, he gave them a rousing speech. The general reminded them that they had all "admired the champion marble player, the fastest runner . . . and the All-American football players." General Patton's inspirational point? "Americans love a winner."
All those union thugs who were rioting in Michigan Tuesday were angry about the wrong thing.
The saddest Christmas experience I ever had was helping a friend bury her 16-month-old son the day after Christmas. He died on Dec. 22, 1999. I learned about it the next day, late at night, after I finished tucking my youngest daughter, one years old that day, into bed. I went downstairs to check my e-mail, and there it was – he most solemn letter I've ever read, from a distraught friend who knew no ...
When tragic deaths occur under intense media scrutiny, there is often a reflexive grasp at greater meaning. But our pent-up desire to address serious, overarching problems, sometimes leads to a flood of misdirected emotion and protest.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody? North Korea will test-fire a long-range ICBM missile Monday on the first anniversary of the death of their leader Kim Jong Il. The little country is nothing if not competitive. According to North Korea's news agency Kim Jong Il didn't die, he entered a sleeping contest. NFL arbitrator Paul Tagliabue overturned the suspension of four New Orleans Saints for receiving bounty payments from coaches for extra hard ...
Exclusive Excerpt: "Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!" by Tom Purcell
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody? McDonald's announced a huge increase in sales in November after its first-ever drop in October. There are three reasons for the rebound in world sales. McDonald's officials chalked it up to increased TV advertising, new dessert items and Colorado legalizing weed. PBS announced Sesame Street will teach kids about divorce and how it's never their fault. PBS is such a waste of money. Sesame Street turns children ...
"I'm not sure I have the energy to keep up." "Ah, yes, you speak of the latest self-created crisis in our government, what some refer to as the 'fiscal cliff.' If Congress and the president don't agree to new terms on spending and taxes, the Budget Control Act of 2011 will automatically go into effect." "And then the sky will fall?" "It won't be pretty. A number of tax breaks, such as the Bush tax ...
First a disclaimer: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012 should not under any circumstances be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2012. They are as different as red satin cummerbunds and Liar's Dice. Duck liver and Spanish moss. Matched pearl necklaces and motorcycle handlebars.
In response to an increasing demand for bachelor's degrees, community colleges in more than a dozen states have expanded their programs to include career-oriented, four-year degrees. Advocates say these programs – which typically require approval from state lawmakers – better respond to student and employer needs by providing affordable bachelor's degrees.
BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how's everybody? Time magazine's cover story on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell floated the idea of replacing the kickoff. During kickoff, three-hundred-pound men crash into each other sprinting at full speed. It is so violent that Bob Costas just suggested they use guns instead. Mercedes-Benz announced Thursday its engineers have developed a new technology that might allow drivers to look at Facebook on the windshield while they are driving. ...
Help us, we're falling and we can't get up again. Once upon a time -- in 1988 and 1998 to be exact -- the United States was the best country for a baby to be born and raised in, at least according to The Economist magazine. But the 2013 edition of the magazine's "where-to-be-born" index has us down at No. 16 -- tied with Germany and one spot ahead of the United Arab Emirates. Switzerland, ...
The saying, "A picture is worth 1000 words" is so true. In the case of my four month old grandson, we have a book started. Still nothing compares to actually holding, squeezing his chubby legs, or getting Bob to laugh out loud. As we enter the holiday season, families across the country hardly need a reminder that November 24th through the 30th is designated as National Family Week.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you," declared Nietzsche.
In 2006 I came up against a holiday deadline crunch, so I turned my column over to Turpy, the beloved eight-year-old Golden Retriever/Chow mix who had turned up at our doorstep as a puppy.
Come on, Oprah.
We humans like to divide time into neat little boxes based on dates, but the case can be made that the styles, policies, manners and mores of one ten-year period usually spill over into the next.