I read a funny email a few days ago entitled, “Men Are Just Happier People.” It spoke some truths, but of course was totally tongue-in-cheek humor. One of the points was that men are objective thinkers, and don’t understand emotional rhetoric, like we women do. Fred gets this. He reminds me often that “men are simple creatures”.
Why are men just happier people? (Or so they say) Here’s the author’s points.
1. Your last name stays put. Me: If I owned a last name like “DickSmasher,” “Poppyseed,” “Rollo-Koster” or “Busterbottom,” I don’t think I would want my name to stay put. And heaven forbid, I wouldn’t want to carry the surname “Schidt” throughout my life either.
Moving on. Why are men just happier people?
2. You can never be pregnant. Me: Good thing.
3. The world is your urinal. Me: let’s change that to the bushes in the wilderness can be your urinal. Not city gutters, not front steps, not swimming pools.
4. You almost never have strap problems in public.
5. You can clean your nails with a pocket knife.
6. If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. Me: Couldn’t you see us women calling each other “Big Feet,” “Wrinkle Face,” or “Hair Roots”? Nooooo!
7. Men never have to drive to another gas station to use the restroom because “this one is just too icky”! Me: We women are repulsed to use some little joint’s dirty bathroom. Him: “The restroom is over in that corner. Just use the men’s if the other one is busy?” Me: “NO, I can wait. Let’s keep going ’til we find a nicer place.” Man: “I don’t get it. It’s just a bathroom”.
Why are men happier people?
8. “Men’s underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Me: Sure. The manufacturers know better than to charge men inflated prices for underwear. They wouldn’t buy. No wonder guys are happier!
9. A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. Me: Yes, I know. This is an exaggeration. Fred also has hair spray and trimming scissors.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. (He is not stupid; He is bright. He doesn’t want to know what they are. He isn’t the least bit curious about mascara, eye-liner, panty liners, lipsticks, hair fuzz shavers, under eye concealer, face creams etc.)
Why are men happier?
10. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. Two pair of shoes are more than enough. Me: C’mon. I need a suitcase just for my make-up and toiletries. See number 7.
11. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. But when the girls look at the tab, out comes the pocket calculators.
12. And last, A guy has the same hairstyle for years, even decades. He grays but gets looking better as he ages, but doesn’t care one way or the other. No fret, no sweat, no “Oh my I see a wrinkle.” That is the ultimate wonderful, best feature of all. Just let ‘er happen.
Don’t change fellas.
Judi Tabler lives in Pawnee County and is a guest columnist for the Great Bend Tribune. She can be reached at email@example.com or juditabler@awomansview.