Editors note: Because she was a victim of child abuse, this woman’s name was changed to Jaine to protect her identity.

“I rode my bike to the sunset,” recalled one woman of her childhood. “I knew when I caught the sunset I’d fall off the earth and Jesus would catch me.”
Faster, faster, faster would that innocent young girl pump those pedals near her childhood house in central Kansas. At times, she focused so intensely on the sunset that she got lost.
She never managed to catch the sunset, something she so desperately wanted, to avoid what waited at her home of violence, of rapes and beatings.
“It was worse because I knew I had to go home,” said the woman now in her 50s. “I knew I’d get in trouble for being gone. I always paid a price.”
Beginning at the age of four, a family member began raping her.  Her church-going, white, middle class mother knew, and at times, actually forced her to the basement where the crimes occurred.
This abuse victim, who we’ll call Jaine, recently learned her neighbor also knew something was terribly wrong at the house next door. Teachers would write on her report card that something wasn’t right with the little girl that sometimes cried all day.
In second grade, one teacher asked why she didn’t play with the other girls. Jaine replied, “No, I can’t, I’ll make them dirty.”
The shame remains with her today.
“Shame becomes a part of you,” she said. “Shame takes over. I don’t think people realize what a constant struggle it is. It comes back when you least expect it.”
The message she wants to share is that if she had a serious medical illness, people would be supportive and listen. She wishes people would realize the lasting effects of child sexual abuse and there is no beginning or end to the fight to regain her life.
 Instead, people tell her to forget about it and get over it. Or, use Bible verses out of context.
Jaine has undergone years and years of therapy, faced impaired adult relationships, impaired career functioning, and sadly, a society that still doesn’t want to know.
 “It’s still taboo to talk about sex abuse,” Jaine said. Jaine still feels repulsive and loneliness is her safe place. Plus, Jaine endures chronic pelvic issues and back pain due to the rapes.
A therapist recently asked Jaine what she would do if she managed to catch the sunset and reach the arms of Jesus.
“I couldn’t reach out to Jesus,” Jaine said. “I didn’t want to contaminate him.”
Jaine vowed never to let her children go through the same thing. And she didn’t. Her children were never alone in that evil house and have become successful human beings.
The good news is that life has become better for Jaine. She now has tools in her tool box from therapy and from real faith.
“I don’t know here I’d be without my faith,” she said. “God isn’t a rageful, vengeful God.”