HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea will test-fire a long-range ICBM missile Monday on the first anniversary of the death of their leader Kim Jong Il. The little country is nothing if not competitive. According to North Korea’s news agency Kim Jong Il didn’t die, he entered a sleeping contest.
NFL arbitrator Paul Tagliabue overturned the suspension of four New Orleans Saints for receiving bounty payments from coaches for extra hard hits. The problem wasn’t the money. They are allowed bonuses for driving all the way home without killing anybody.
House Republicans and Democrats stayed deadlocked Monday over whether to cut spending or raise taxes to save the economy. If they send us over the fiscal cliff, they will still get paid. Their salaries are guaranteed under the Americans with No Abilities Act.
President Obama and GOP Speaker John Boehner remained at loggerheads in fiscal cliff talks. They spent four days staring into each other’s eyes. No one knows if Barack Obama and John Boehner are going to end up throwing punches or adopting children together.
The L.A. Dodgers signed South Korean pitching star Hyun Jin-Ryu on Monday. He’s the biggest star in South Korea who hasn’t cut an anti-American rap video. He’ll be able to concentrate on pitching without being distracted by invitations to sing at the White House.
South Korean rap star Psy performed at the White House Sunday after he apologized for calling for the death of all U.S. soldiers in Korea. No one knows where his anger comes from. His father and uncles all reached the South Korean army’s highest rank, five-foot-six.
Silvio Berlusconi made a bid to return as Italy’s prime minister on Tuesday. Italy’s government can earn the country hard currency by selling the prime minister’s sex life to the tabloids. It wasn’t the tax increases that balanced the budget under Bill Clinton.
Warren Buffett joined liberal billionaire George Soros Tuesday calling for a massive increase in estate taxes. It costs them nothing but penalizes their children. The very suggestion could be the most selfless act since Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves in his will.
USA Today reports sixty thousand Californians moved to Texas last year while forty thousand Texans moved to California. It’s a personal preference. Californians move to Texas for the low taxes, while Texans move to California for the low educational standards.
Michigan passed a right-to-work bill as angry labor protesters demonstrated in the gallery. They bullied the measure’s supporters. The reason Jimmy Hoffa was killed in Michigan is because he hired a free-lance chauffeur instead of calling the local to get a guy.
Lindsay Lohan showed up in court for her probation violation Wednesday. She risks eight months in jail for violating her shoplifting probation after she lied to cops about her car wreck. If Lindsay Lohan appears in court one more time, she gets to keep the Bible.
The Weather Channel reports the Northern Plains were hit by the first Artcic freeze and driving snow of the season on Tuesday. Residents of Minnesota and North Dakota endured zero degree readings. The only people outside were postal workers and smokers.
America’s Health Rankings came out Tuesday measuring which states are still mired in fried foods, smoking, alcohol and sedentary habits. The twelve unhealthiest states are in the South. If the secession petitions go through, it could save the rest of the country a lot of money on health insurance premiums, and Notre Dame will always be number one.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.