HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God bless America.
The Dallas Cowboys play the Washington Redskins in their annual Thanksgiving Day game today. It deserves a peace prize. Watching this game keeps millions of close family members from having a glass of wine and talking to each other with knives in their hands.
Food and Beverage magazine estimated that two hundred million Americans will be celebrating Thanksgiving today. There’ll be lots to talk about. Who’d have thought a year ago that we’d lose both General Petraeus and Elmo to sex scandals in the space of a month.
Hillary Clinton flew to Israel and Egypt Tuesday to try to broker a peace deal between Hamas fighters and Israel. It’ll be tough to keep U.S. troops out of the region. Once U.S. generals heard that there’s a Gaza Strip, they told their wives they’re going to a convention.
Bill Clinton flew to Ireland on Monday where he gave a paid speech at the University of Limerick. They have a statue of him swinging a golf club in the Limerick town square. It’s only right that President Clinton be honored in the town that’s named for dirty poetry.
Connecticut drivers were attacked while driving their cars by flocks of wild turkeys Tuesday. The birds were flying into windshields and attacking driver-side windows. They are trained by state falconers to try to get drivers to stop texting and watch the road.
The Church of England was set to begin ordaining women bishops Tuesday when the laity halted the move. The veto makes sense. Any church that was founded by a king who went through six wives will naturally have difficulty adjusting to post-modern feminism.
Chicago’s Mayor Rahm Emanuel joined the Illinois governor Tuesday in calling for driver’s licenses for illegal aliens. The idea has widespread support. The Irish are sick and tired of having to listen to Spanish conversations on the El train to work each morning.
Hostess striking bakers were ordered by a judge to mediate with the company to try to prevent a shutdown Tuesday. Hoarded boxes of Twinkies were selling on eBay for a hundred bucks. No one knew till the bidding began that the cream filling contains cocaine.
President Obama gave a big hug and kisses to Burma’s democracy leader and Nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi. He repeatedly mispronounced her name. Burma was once a province of India so if the Teleprompter was broken, tech support is a local call.
U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz praised her party’s diversity Tuesday, saying the election just made the GOP House roster whiter and more male. She’d better get used to it. Until you can get a merchant to take a Susan B. Anthony dollar, that’s the way the mop flops.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went on Saturday Night Live to joke about the hurricane recovery efforts. He’s easy to spot. Last night, Governor Christie dreamed he was eating a giant piece of beef jerky, and he woke up the next morning and his briefcase was missing.
The Internet Privacy Bill was amended to let the FBI and Homeland Security read your e-mail without a warrant. They must work fast. The government is counting on Snoop Dogg to be too stoned to notice they are taking his name without paying for the trademark.
Wal-Mart workers threatened to walk off the job on Black Friday tomorrow. It’s very tense. The cashiers want more pay, the stockers want more benefits and greeters don’t want to have to fly to Spain every year to train on the streets of Pamplona for Black Friday.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.