BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
World War I officially ended Thursday when Germany finished paying reparations to the Allies.
The war erupted after a parade in Sarajevo for Archduke Ferdinand where he ordered his driver to return back up the parade route so he could hear everybody’s cheers again, giving his assassin a second chance to kill him. Always leave them wanting more.
McDonald’s asked the White House for relief from a health care reform provision Thursday.
They vowed to drop health coverage for low-wage hourly workers. If McDonald’s makes good on the threat, these kids will have no choice but to go back to work for Meg Whitman.
President Obama was questioned about his Christian beliefs at a backyard event in Albuquerque Tuesday while campaigning.
He gave a sincere and convincing reply. He will cheerfully tell anybody who asks that Jesus had twelve disciples and nine arms.
Rahm Emanuel began his campaign for Chicago mayor Friday by learning he doesn’t have a legal residence in Chicago. He can’t force his tenants to move out of his house for the two years left on the lease.
If you think Rahm is angry, imagine how the president reacted when he heard that his chief-of-staff had only leased out his house for four years.
California GOP governor candidate Meg Whitman denied Democratic charges that she knew her maid was an illegal alien. Both sides are dug in. Republicans will certify their maids when Democrats can certify their presidents, until then it’s a Mexican stand-off.
Jerry Brown campaigned in California Thursday, vowing to get the state’s economy booming again. It’s always been boom-or-bust in the Golden State. Many of the Silicon Valley computer companies that started in a garage are now operating out of a smaller garage.
The U.S. Congress received two million signatures Thursday asking that Jack Daniel’s birthday be made a national holiday. They’re asking for controversy. It’s going to look really bad when businesses take the day off for Jack Daniel’s Day and stay open on Martin Luther King Day.
Lindsay Lohan checked into the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage Monday. Many stars have received the gift of sobriety in this rehab.
They’re able to take drug addicts and alcoholics and in only twenty-eight days turn them into sex maniacs and overeaters.
Jimmy Carter was hospitalized in Cleveland Tuesday after he got indigestion on a flight during his book tour. They wouldn’t let him leave the hospital for three days. Jimmy Carter just wished he could go to the bathroom on a plane without it ending up in a hostage situation.
Wall Street celebrated Thursday when the Dow Jones stock averages tallied the best September in 70 years. Congress is furious over the income disparities.
They want to know why Wall Street profits are so high while their money under the table has remained the same. Peruvian archaeologists found fossilized remains of a penguin from 36 million years ago Thursday.
The Antarctic birds used to walk hundreds of miles across ice to breed.
Now, due to global warming their mating ritual is pretty much down to insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)