According to the National Retail Foundation, Americans will spend $6.9 billion on Halloween this year. To the untrained observer, that sounds as if the autumn celebration will be around forever; but I am concerned for the long-term health of the holiday.
So I have assembled a group of experts to offer their advice for keeping All Hallows’ Eve relevant and vibrant. (Be forewarned that some personal prejudices and agendas may creep into the discussion.)
Mark: I think before Americans answer life-changing questions such as “Trick or treat?”, they should do some soul-searching and ask themselves, “How would the Founding Fathers answer that?” And not just the ones who took a slanted view because they had wooden teeth that got all gummed up with candy.
Brad: Bah! What we need is new bone-chilling, spooky sound effects records - like a businessman handing his child the keys to a family-owned business, or someone somewhere pinning on a military insignia or a high-powered toilet being flushed or...
Sabrina: Let’s not forget to make generous donations to Planned Parenthood. I can’t think of a single other place where parents can get candy x-rayed for razor blades, can you?
George: Let’s modernize and make everyone dressed like a hobo accept bitcoin.
Sam: I’m fine with the classic Friday the 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street stuff; but for Texas Chainsaw Massacre costumes, can’t we have a windmill-powered chainsaw?
Dylan: And can’t we change the name from Halloween to Indigenous Ghosties and Ghoulies and Long-Legged Beasties Day?
John: No! Let’s not only keep the name but put the WEAN back into Halloween. Instead of toilet-papering trees and houses, we could cover them with termination-of-welfare notices. Hey, anybody wanna help me spend my Earned Income Credit after the meeting?
Jason: Doesn’t all this talk about the GREAT Pumpkin bother anyone? Let’s make sure that ALL the pumpkins get a gold star.
Frank: I think we need to build a wall to keep out the brown M&Ms.
Theo: We all need to be honest. Yeah, maybe the Grim Reaper claimed your grandma and grandpa; but deep down, the real reason people hate him is because of the hoodie! Admit it, man!
Tyrone: We can’t let good ol’ superstitions, omens and bad luck fall into disuse. Join the “Black 9 Lives Matter” movement!
Gretchen: We’ve got to stamp out cliches. The Bride of Frankenstein needs an annulment from that inarticulate Creature. She should be the Bride of the Naughty Librarian.
Carl: Vampire bats or vampire drones - honestly, which says 21st century to you?
Luke: Remember how the Vandals SACKED Rome? Obvioulsy, today’s ubiquitous candy bags are a chilling reminder of violence and oppression. And did you ever notice how “fun-size” sounds a lot like “gun-size”? Need I say more?
Paul: Let’s make sure the Invisible Man is really TRANSPARENT - and not just someone saying, “Nothing to see here, folks. Move along...”
Zeke: Actually, it’s all a moot point. The world is going to end before Halloween. It’s because the moon is going to turn red - or Orion’s belt is going to clash with his sandals, or the Big Dipper is going to run away with the spoon or something. You’ll have to ask my preacher.
*Sigh* Did you realize that Americans spent $6.9 billion on Millard Fillmore’s birthday until I convened a panel on how to keep Millard Filmore’s birthday relevant?
Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades”