HOLLYWOOD-Happy Wednesday, everybody, and God bless America.
Tiger Woods won the Players Championship Sunday after Sergio Garcia collapsed on the last two holes, hitting three balls into water hazards. It was entertaining to watch. Nobody has seen three shots result in a splash like that since the death of Osama bin Laden.
The Washington Post reported the arrival of the first of one trillion cicadas Monday which hatch every 17 years back East. For the next month a million bugs per acre will be making loud noises proclaiming their freedom. It is why the IRS audited them.
The IRS apologized for targeting conservative groups for agency scrutiny during last year’s election. The tax collectors targeted GOP groups and donors for audits. It left every comedian wondering if a great joke on this subject is worth all the extra paperwork.
Congress vowed to investigate the IRS after the agency apologized for targeting GOP conservative political groups and their big donors Friday. The White House can’t escape by blaming this one on Bush. This is the big leagues, they’ve got to blame this one on Nixon.
Dennis Rodman vowed to get North Korea’s prisoner, American Dennis Bae, released when he goes there. He convinced Kim Jung Un to retract his missiles last month. Whenever God decides the State Department’s going to have a bad year it lasts all twelve months.
White House reporters were evacuated Saturday when the West Wing filled up with smoke. All is well now. It so happened that The King of Kings was playing on Turner Classic Movies that day, allowing President Obama to blame the fire on an anti-Muslim film.
President Obama ripped reporters questioning his administration’s handling of the Benghazi attack. It’s so simple. Benghazi was a protest against a video nobody saw that turned into an attack nobody acknowledged until it happened so long ago why bring it up?
O.J. Simpson appeared in Las Vegas court in prison wear Monday where he asked for a new trial for his armed robbery conviction. O.J.’s legal defense is well-financed. The Florida Orange Growers offered to pay all his legal fees if he’ll change his name to Snapple .
Kobe Bryant blocked his mother in court Friday from auctioning off his boyhood basketball memorabilia he’d left at home. Touching, isn’t it? For Mother’s Day Kobe Bryant gave his mother a cease-and-desist order with words spelled out of Post Alpha-Bits.
Martha Stewart advertised for a lover on a dating website Friday and began meeting respondees for coffee. Her first date was a good example of who you meet online. He is looking for a new love after his inflatable doll ran off with the Goodyear tire in his trunk.
Prince Harry participated in the Warrior Games in Colorado Saturday and he’ll play polo in New York today. His athleticism is renowned. Prince Harry gained the affection of the world last summer when he was crowned the worst strip billiards player in Las Vegas.
The Great Gatsby film got a boost when New York Plaza Hotel christened the F. Scott Fitzgerald Suite. He died young after battling alcohol, drugs and marrying a mentally ill blonde. The L.A. School District core curriculum identifies him as the Father of Our country.
The USC Journalism School released a study Monday showing that only one-fourth of all the speaking roles in movies last year went to women. It also said one third of those actresses were scantily dressed. Meryl Streep wouldn’t play Margaret Thatcher until the producers took out the gratuitous sponge bath scene toward the end of the movie.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com