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GOP may just fuhgeddaboudit
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Yo, Chris Christie, governor of New Joisey, how ya doin’?
What’s this I’m hearin’?
People are beggin’ you to run for president and all you can say is “fuhgeddaboudit?"
Well, you need to fuhgeddaboudDAT!
Look, smart guy, you surely see what a mockery Republicans are makin’ of their presidential nomination process.
Yeah, it’s early.
But what’s with Trump takin’ the media for a ride? Fox News took the goof seriously. 
Here we got real problems, and that guy had us talkin’ about birth certificates!
The rest of the field isn’t much better.
There’s Mitt Romney, two-term governor of Massachusetts. Sure, he’s got a lotta dough and a well-run organization.
But as governor, he passed a health care plan that stinks almost as bad as the one President Obama rammed though — that thing’s hangin’ around Mitt’s neck like a rottin’ side of beef!
Tim Pawlenty, two-term governor of Minnesota? Seems like a nice enough guy, with an OK enough record as governor.
Trouble is, we need a bold, knock-your-socks-off candidate.
Pawlenty’s about as inspirational as a toll collector on the Joisey Pike.
U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, the libertarian guy, has some sensible ideas about reinin’ in our out-of-control government.
Then again, there’s something a little nutty about the guy. I prefer him in Congress — where we can keep an eye on him.
That brings us to Rick Santorum, the social conservative.
Wasn’t he the guy who tried, when he was a U.S. senator, to get the federal government to fund a program to support marriage?
Ain’t marriage in enough trouble without Washington muckin’ it up?
Newt Gingrich is a smart guy. But he’s really steppin’ in it lately. What was he thinkin’, turnin’ on fellow Republican Paul Ryan’s plan to reform Medicare?
Besides, he’s mighty polarizing — the opposite of what we need right now.
John Bolton, our former U.N. ambassador, is a smart guy, too. But he ain’t got a prayer for the nomination.
Americans can’t handle a guy who speaks the truth so abruptly. And some in our country aren’t ready for a president who looks like Mark Twain.
It doesn’t look like former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is gonna go for it, but between you and me I’m afraid she wouldn’t beat President Obama — and she’s almost as polarizing as Gingrich.
So the press is lookin’ to beat up another Republican woman. That would be U.S. Rep. Michelle Bachmann. She has some good things to say but hasn’t thrown her hat in the ring yet.
I was really hoping Mitch Daniels, governor of Indiana, would jump in, but he’s out.
That’s a shame, too, because he has his state in sound fiscal order and firing on all eight cylinders — exactly what our country needs.
The most interesting pol in the lot is Herman Cain. He’s one of those guys who makes everything he touches turn to gold — which is why he was so successful in business.
Trouble is, he’s a political novice. Thanks to Obama, nobody’s in the mood for another political novice.
It’s real simple, Gov. Christie.
The country is in a mess.
Spending is out of control.
Unemployment remains high and we’re headed for a fiscal collapse if we don’t get our act together. 
We need somebody like you to tackle that thing — spending.
We need somebody like you to beat the federal government into shape — just like you’re doin’ in Joisey.
But the Republican field has got nobody like you.
We need you to reconsider, big boy — and we’re not gonna fuhgeddaboudit.
(Tom Purcell is a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. E-mail Tom at