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Ground Zero imam is new Bob Hope
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BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The State Department sent the Ground Zero mosque imam to the Middle East this week to promote the United States. He’s a good-will envoy.
As soon as he tells his first joke, everyone will realize it’s just another failed attempt to replace Bob Hope.  
President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has no regrets for endorsing the mosque near Ground Zero.
Reaction was swift.
Three members of the Minnesota Vikings just flew to Washington to ask the president if he’s going to play for America or not this year.
The Pew Research poll said one-fifth of Americans think Obama is Muslim and a third think he’s Christian.
He has the exact same religion George W. Bush has.
Three times a day he drops to his knees on a carpet and tunes into Sports Center.
The White House denied poll perceptions that Obama’s a Muslim Friday, insisting he’s a Christian.
He rejects going to church in favor of playing golf on Sundays. He should learn how to erase text messages before he loses his Nike contract.   
Obama arrived at Martha’s Vineyard Thursday hoping to put the mosque controversy behind him.
It got worse.
Yesterday he angered Massachusetts locals by endorsing the building of a convent just two blocks from Jack Kennedy’s summer cottage.
Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the National Guard to the Mexico border Thursday and vowed to halt illegal crossings. It will help his career.
Anytime a governor enforces immigration law Hollywood calls him a Nazi, and with his accent, he’ll get work.   
The Pentagon withdrew U.S. combat troops from Iraq Thursday and put them back in Kuwait after a seven-year war to bring democracy to Iraq. The evacuation raised alarms. For one scary moment the Emir thought the U.S. was bringing democracy to Kuwait.
The CIA claimed success in retarding Iran’s nuclear program Thursday, saying U.S. spies sneaked faulty supply parts into Iran’s nuclear supply chain. Many are upset.
It’s unseemly for the CIA to pass out cigars every time we arrange a nuclear accident.
Iowa egg farms were blamed for an outbreak of salmonella poisoning Friday that causes people to suffer from vomiting and nausea and diarrhea.
The industry sprang into action.
The Egg Council just hired Marie Osmond to do commercials showing photographs of herself before and after the omelette to show how much weight she lost.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at