HOLLYWOOD  - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince William and Kate and English-speaking people worldwide awaited the arrival of the royal baby Monday. There was just one awkward moment at the baby shower. The U.S. government tried to give the baby the title to Florida, and Spain busted us for re-gifting.
George Zimmerman was found not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin while he was walking home from the store eating Skittles. Now everybody’s sermonizing. Twinkies issued a statement after the verdict saying that the moral to this story is, don’t buy Skittles.
Oakland protesters smashed windows and burned tires after the George Zimmerman not-guilty verdict Saturday. Black activists demanded justice. On the other side, Paula Deen has offered to hire George Zimmerman to be a greeter at Uncle Bubba’s Oyster House.
Los Angeles protesters blocked a freeway exit in South Central L.A. Sunday. It actually saved clueless white motorists from driving into a very angry neighborhood after the verdict. All motorists were diverted to a downtown Rite-Aid and forced to buy drugs legally.
The U.S. government reported a $120 billion budget surplus in June. This along with the recent surge on Wall Street, Big Banks, Big Coal cotton prices, and Big Oil. About all President Obama can say about it is that summer colds are the worst.
Wal-Mart was the first retailer to have Hostess Twinkies on their shelves Saturday as America’s favorite snack returned after a two years. It was just in time. The entire U.S. economy is now dependent on Americans buying larger-sized T-shirts every four months.
The FBI reports that the youth homicide rate in the United States fell to a 30-year low last year. The reason is simple. Instead of killing you and then going on trial for murder, today’s young people would rather live with you until they’re 39 years old.
Direct TV launches the Dog TV next month with programs for dogs to watch alone at home. Much is classical music, and re-runs of Lassie and Rin Tin Tin. Ten bucks says it won’t take dogs in Los Angeles a week to figure out how to unblock the adult dog channels.
California public schools ranked 30th in the nation in the Quality Counts annual survey of the nation’s school systems. The report cards were abysmal. In four of five Los Angeles schools, the only A’s and B’s that the students earned were in Hepatitis.
NSA ‘s Ed Snowden complained Sunday he left a lucrative job in Hawaii to expose U.S. surveillance and he can’t leave the Moscow Airport. He’s out of cash and his credit cards are maxed out. Lucky for him the Burger King at the Moscow Airport takes national secrets.
New York’s disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer wrote a book of ethical rules for politicians to live by Monday. He’s running for comptroller against his former madam. For politicians like Eliot Spitzer, sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, you still have to pay for it.
French troops marched in Paris in Bastille Day parades Sunday a month after French troops just drove al-Qaeda out of Mali. It’s a weird enemy we face. Drones don’t bother al-Qaeda at all but the sight of arms high in the air terrifies them and puts them to flight.
U.S. immigration officials said Friday they are flying illegal aliens deep into Southern Mexico so they face a longer trip up to the U.S. It’s ingenious. Once they can navigate their way through hundreds of miles of jungle, steaming oil fields, hot deserts and mineral rich mountains the U.S. Army will only have to train them to shoot for their eventual citizenship.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.