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HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House said Monday that President Obama’s salary would not be affected by the looming sequestration cuts. Congress quickly added that their pay is also unaffected. Their salaries are all protected under the Americans with No Abilities Act.
The White House warned of fewer public hospital procedures if sequester cuts kick in Friday cutting the budget. Don’t buy it. They warned it could reduce the number of breast exams and prostate exams but don’t worry, they’ll still be free at the nearest airport.
Michelle Obama handed the Oscar for Best Picture to Argo Sunday about the rescue of U.S. hostages from Iran thirty-four years ago. It’s not a good sign for her husband. The mood of the country is so low today that Lincoln just lost to the Carter Administration.
The Defense Department released a troubling study which found that operators of drone aircraft suffer the same stress levels as those who operate manned vehicles. It’s lack of maturity. They just need to accept the fact that only one person can get high score.
South Korean voters made political history Monday by electing Park Geun-hye as the first woman as president of the Republic of South Korea. It’s quite an accomplishment. Until now, the highest level a woman in South Korea had ever reached was four-feet-eleven.
Bill O’Reilly announced Friday he’s writing a book called Killing Jesus. It follows his best-sellers Killing Lincoln and Killing Kennedy. Bill O’Reilly loves to write about the great men of history the same way little boys with a magnifying glass love to work with ants.
Notre Dame’s Mantai Te’o was asked if he’s gay by NFL scouts at the rookie combine Monday. No one seems to believe his denials. Yesterday sportswriters walked into the locker room and his boom box was blaring out the Broadway soundtrack to Anything Goes.
Anger Management’s producers announced Tuesday that Lindsay Lohan will join the cast as one of Charlie Sheen’s anger patients and girlfriend. Why not? As long as the production can’t get insurance anyway they might as well have who they want on the show.
The Postal Service announced it will raise money by selling a line of Postal Worker’s clothing to the public. They’ll sell. If you’re a burglar in this age of camera surveillance everywhere you need a uniform that’ll get you buzzed into any building no questions asked.
NBA retired star Dennis Rodman flew to North Korea on a goodwill mission and met with the country’s leaders. It’s no secret why. All the Goodwill Missions in Los Angeles tell him he should have been more careful with his millions and won’t give him any clothes.
Secretary of State John Kerry told German students in Berlin on Tuesday that the U.S. gives its citizens the right to be stupid. He knows a thing or two about being stupid. You don’t have to be smart to marry a rich widow, you just have to be able to dance a mean cha-cha.
South Africa’s Olympic star Oscar Pistorius made bail Friday and he’s free until he goes on trial for murdering his girlfriend. His brother, his investigator and his judge’s brother have all been charged with manslaughter and the conviction rate is eleven percent. If we just wait a few months there’ll be nobody left in South Africa to put on trial.
President Obama listed dozens of government services that will be lost if the automatic sequester spending cuts kick in Friday. They’re saying we will have no government starting on the same day we have no pope. With no rules and no shame, everyone could have as much fun as they used to have in the Clinton White House during Casual Sex Friday.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at