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Maybe we should elect a Muppet as president
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God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Muppets Show’s return to ABC this fall was marred by Miss Piggy and Kermit announcing to television writers Friday that they have broken up after 25 years. They sounded like Hillary and Trump. Miss Piggy evaded questions from reporters while Kermit called her a pig, plain and simple.
The NLRB ruled Friday that college football players are students and can’t unionize or demand salaries. Despite the TV billions they generate, they won’t get paid. Now the college football players’ last hope is to petition the White House and ask President Obama to sign an emancipation proclamation.
Oscar Pistorius is free Friday after serving 10 months in prison for killing his girlfriend. He said he fired four shots through the bathroom door, killing her, thinking she was an intruder. It’s a fact that most burglars break into an occupied home and use the bathroom before they begin stealing things.
Washington Post legend Bob Woodward compared Hillary Clinton’s email scandal to Richard Nixon’s Watergate scandal Monday. How bad could this get? Up until now, the difference between the Clinton scandals and the Nixon scandals was, in the Nixon scandals, Deep Throat was a metaphor.
Donald Trump left the presidential campaign trail to answer a jury duty summons in New York City Monday where he was mobbed by media as he entered the courthouse. Of course he wasn’t selected. Everybody loves the Donald, but in order to be a juror you must deliberate before you deliver a verdict.
The New York Post profiled Donald Trump’s Slovenian supermodel wife Melania Knauss, whom he married 10 years ago. Fifteen years ago, she posed nude for British GQ magazine while lying on a fur rug. After the news came out, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals endorsed Scott Walker.
Donald Trump trotted out specific positions on national security Monday, indicating he would not tolerate the new nuclear deal with Iran. Trump would make the United States safer immediately. The only thing that’s better than having a credible military deterrent is having a president who is crazy.
President Obama’s presence on Martha’s Vineyard is playing havoc with the Opera House Cup yacht race because no planes are allowed to fly to the island while he’s there. That’s fine with the president. If the Democrats had their way, all yacht races would begin a half-mile above Niagara Falls.
Jason Day won the PGA Championship Sunday at Whistling Straits in Wisconsin. The course was built by Wisconsin’s bathroom fixtures magnate, Herb Kohler. He makes billions of dollars by selling new toilets and spigots to Californians every three years when the water rationing is tightened.
Alabama’s Alpha Phi sorority was ripped by the PC police for lack of diversity over a viral house video showing only gorgeous blondes. It’s progress. You no longer have to sing the N-word on a bus to be expelled if you’re a fraternity or sorority in the South, all you have to do is be photographed together.
Queen Elizabeth will be honored in ceremonies worldwide for breaking Queen Victoria’s record as Britain’s longest serving monarch in three weeks. It’s not all pomp and glory. The Queen visited a post office in London Friday and security stepped in when someone tried to lick the back of her head.
Kentucky Fried Chicken hired comedian Norm McDonald to play Colonel Sanders in KFC TV commercials replacing SNL alum Darryl Hammond. They’re both very funny guys, but Darryl Hammond’s colonel was giving people the creeps. That priest collar gave everybody a really bad feeling.
Native American tribal leaders meet in San Diego in September to discuss how to increase tribal revenues and promote Indian culture, history and traditions. It’s deep stuff. The Indians want to share tribal lore with the world such as stick on 15 or 16 if the dealer isn’t showing a face card.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com