HOLLYWOOD  - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Supreme Court upheld an order forcing California to release 10,000 state prisoners Friday due to overcrowding. It’s simple arithmetic. There just aren’t enough beds for all the Crips, the Bloods, the Zetas, the Raiders, the Chargers and the Forty-Niners .
Major League Baseball gave out player suspensions for using performance-enhancing drugs Monday. One ballplayer tested positive for two types of steroids and a synthetic growth hormone. His agent warned him to avoid the white meat offered by Tyson Chicken.
Alex Rodriguez was suspended Monday for next season due to his connection to Biogenesis Lab. He will forfeit his $40 million salary next year, but he’ll collect the $70 million left on his contract. The idea is to teach kids once and for all that crime doesn’t pay.
Alex Rodriguez started for the New York Yankees against the White Sox in Chicago Monday after filing his suspension appeal. He came back in the wrong town. Alex was booed by the fans in Southside Chicago for not shooting it out with the commissioner like they would.
Illinois became the twentieth state in the Union Friday to legalize the medical use of marijuana and set-up legal pot dispensaries. It could save Chicago. If it works the way it did in Los Angeles, legalized pot limits murders to anybody within range of your couch.
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner’s tenth accuser emerged who said he sexually harassed her after services at La Jolla Presbyterian. It’s a beautiful church. La Jolla is a wealthy suburb where Mitt Romney also lives, the difference being the Presbyterians are the elect.
Colin Powell was revealed to have had an e-mail affair with Romanian official Corina Cretu after his e-mail was hacked. No party gained politically. It’s just the Democrats luck that the only Republican caught having cyber-sex endorsed President Obama last year.
The FEC reported dead people gave six hundred thousand dollars to campaigns last year. Three fourths went to Democrats, one-fourth to Libertarians. Once Republicans die they’re prevented from donating to campaigns or worthy causes by what the law calls heirs.
President Obama shut U.S embassies in the Mideast over attack fears Sunday. No one blamed it on an anti-Muslim film this time. However, the day before, Lawrence of Arabia ran on Turner Classic Movies in case anyone wonders if Peter O’Toole has still got it.
The White House closed U.S. embassies in every Muslim country in the world Sunday for fear of terror attacks. For the last two years, the administration has insisted that al-Qaeda is on the run. Every seven seconds, they’re fifty yards closer to the embassy gates.
TSA officials were ripped by House committees last week for sloppy work by the TSA guards at airports in the United States. Last year at LAX, security videotape caught four TSA guys snorting cocaine. It’s the first time anybody’s seen lines go that fast at the airport.
President Obama is vacationing at Martha’s Vineyard at the home of Chicago venture capitalist David Schulte. He seizes bad companies, prunes them and turns them around like Mitt Romney does. They are described by Somali pirates as the Fathers of Our Country.
The DEA was reported Monday to be using NSA-intercepted calls to nail drug dealers without telling prosecutors. This is crazy. Apparently somebody read JFK’s speech in which he declared that we are all Berliners and decided the government should be Nazis.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.