God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Charles will tour the Kentucky Center for African-American History when he comes to Louisville Friday. He’s chosen to arrive in a bullet-proof Bentley. Out of habit, the Democrats blamed it on white privilege and Republicans blamed it on Hip Hop culture.
Ukraine’s pro-government Azov Brigade admitted they were Nazis Tuesday but not anti-Semitic Nazis. Their enemy, the pro-Russian separatist Ukrainians just adopted the Confederate flag. Now that the SAE’s at Oklahoma are kicked off campus they could move to Ukraine and fight for either side.
SAE alums raised 60 grand Tuesday to help the house’s black cook after the OU chapter was evicted over a racist house song posted on video. It hurt the state’s image. The national media believes if the Kardashians had been born in Oklahoma, they’d have been named Khluey, Kluxey and Klanney.
Iranian soldiers led Iraqi soldiers into battle and recaptured Saddam Hussein’s hometown of Tikrit from ISIS. Our last enemy was led by our next enemy and defeated our current enemy. Things are going so much smoother ever since the Obamacare website team moved over to Pentagon planning.
Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter told Congress Wednesday that ISIS is metastasizing outside of Syria and Iraq. He’s a theoretical physicist. President Obama wants to know how we can theoretically put one hundred thousand U.S. troops back into the Middle East without their boots touching the ground.
Fidel Castro told students in Havana that Barack Obama was brilliant in how he got health care reform passed but he added that Obama is a capitalist-imperialist. He’s a real wordsmith. Leave it to Fidel Castro to be able to say something that makes both Democrats and Republicans proud of Obama.
Hillary Clinton explained Tuesday she used private email because she didn’t want to carry one smartphone for private and one for business which got a huge laugh from young people. This is a switch. After 25 years, we finally have a Clinton scandal that your kids have to explain to YOU.
Hillary Clinton flubbed a press conference intended to explain why she used private email to conduct foreign policy. She said she deleted any emails she deemed private and declared she won’t surrender the server. Harrison Ford sounded better assuring the tower that he had the runway in sight.
Hillary Clinton took questions about her email scandal at a U.N. press conference Tuesday. Her party leaders rallied to her side afterwards. Being a Democrat means insisting that Hillary Clinton’s private emails are her own business while conceding that Bill Clinton’s sex life is everybody’s business.
Utah’s legislature passed a law allowing capital punishment by firing squad if Utah has trouble getting lethal injection drugs. The European patent-holder of the liquid lethal cocktail will no longer sell it to U.S. states. Vladimir Putin always carries the antidote in case somebody switches drinks on him.
The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau on Wednesday approved the sale of powdered alcohol to the public. That’s a start. Now if we can just get alcohol approved in crack form, L.A. can have the sentencing disparities between whites and blacks causing civil unrest and free Apple products.
The Colorado Rockies made history Monday announcing they will sell marijuana brownies at the concession stands at their home games in Denver this year. It could improve the officiating of the game. If the umpires eat these brownies between innings, no one can blame glaucoma for the bad calls.
Tim Tebow is training with Tom Brady’s quarterback coach to improve his passing for the NFL veterans scouting combine in Phoenix next week. His odyssey has really matured him. When Tim Tebow sees people kneeling on New York subways, he now knows they’re not praying, they’re wounded.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com