God bless America, and how’s everybody?
David Copperfield’s Las Vegas Magic Show opened at the MGM over the weekend. He had to towel off before his first show. FAA investigators waterboarded him all Friday morning but the Magician’s Code forbids him from revealing how he made the Malaysian airliner disappear.
Malaysian authorities were unable to find their missing airliner Friday after seven days of searching. It got the usual U.S. media frenzy. Fox News is blaming the disappearance of the Malaysian airliner on Obamacare and MSNBC is blaming it on the Bush Administration.
Pope Francis marked his first year as pope Friday amid sky-high approval ratings. The pope gave up his worldly possessions, he left his house to live in an apartment, he left his car to ride the bus. Right now every divorced man in America is thinking he could’ve been the pope.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced in Arizona Wednesday that she is retiring after serving two terms in the governor’s office. She’s the champion of a bi-lingual society. She wants the signs at the Phoenix Police booking station to read Welcome and not just Bienvenido.
Ukrainian protestors in Crimea rallied against Russian annexation Friday, saying it might be the last expression of free speech in their lives. Free speech doesn’t have a long history in Russia. Moscow has the only comedy club in the world which has a cemetery on the premises.
Vladimir Putin rejected U.S. peace ideas and massed troops on Ukraine’s border Friday as he prepared to seize Crimea. It’s part of his master plan. Vladimir Putin wants the Nobel Peace Prize, but he believes you have got to act like you don’t want something in order to get it.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg called President Obama to demand privacy for Facebook users. FB has just begun selling fifteen-second video ads starting at a million dollars per day. It’s the most money paid for ads ignored by millions of people since the Romney campaign.
New Jersey teen Rachel Canning who sued her parents for support came home on Friday with the suit settled. She didn’t want to live under house rules. The best parent a rebellious teen can have is a professional wrestler, because when they hit you, they just pretend to hit you.
Justin Bieber was ordered to go on trial in May for drunk driving in Miami on top of his pot smoking on planes and codeine found by cops at his home. The scouts are impressed. Betty Ford has just traded up so they can select him in the June draft ahead of Promises Malibu.
President Obama signed an executive order requiring salaried restaurant managers to be paid time-and-a-half overtime. It could raise menu prices and cause the Democrats to lose senior citizen votes. You are not officially old until you decide to eat at Denny’s while sober.
President Obama sent two boxes of White House brewed beer to Canada’s prime minister to pay off an Olympics bet. The boxes arrived marked Honey Porter and Honey Blonde. The Canadians read the labels and just assumed the Clintons were already back in the White House.
President Obama told a young audience if they can’t afford Obamacare they can cut off cable TV or cell phone service to pay for it.
Reaction was volcanic. Sasha and Malia just called that New Jersey teenager who sued her parents to see if she wants to make it a class-action suit.
Russian lawmakers in Moscow circulated a petition demanding that the U.S. be kicked out of the World Cup matches. It’s exactly the same fear they had when our scientists were racing their scientists to the moon. They are terrified that our Germans will beat their Germans.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.