It was quite a shock to see the president of the United States bend the knee to Vladimir Putin and act as obsequiously as a little leaguer standing next to Aaron Judge. Of course, when Donald Trump spoke while Vladimir Putin drank a glass of water, we all applauded.
In their joint press conference in Helsinki, Finland, Donald Trump made Neville Chamberlain look like a historical badass. He’s given slobbering lapdogs a bad name. Probably compelled Ronald Reagan to spin in his grave so fast you could light up the entire Eastern Seaboard.
Both conservatives and liberals expressed outrage and confusion to see Trump suck up to Vlad the Impaler so hard, many were surprised the Russian President didn’t sport hickeys the size of small manhole covers. I’m not saying Trump’s behavior was a bit smoochy, but Melania has to be hoping he wore a condom.
And that was in public. We have no idea what happened at their extra- special, double secret, two-hour meeting alone. They might have dismissed the interpreters and let nature take its course in a joint session of the He Man NATO Haters Club.
They must’ve treated themselves to some horizontal refreshments, if you catch our drift. Engaged in a little gland-to-gland combat. Played slap the pickle and assault with a friendly weapon. Spent some quality time bumping uglies. Violated the prime directive by engaging in the forbidden polka. Released the Kraken. Or as the kids say: got themselves some serious stank on the hang down.
Former Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta wondered aloud what exactly does Putin have on Trump? Do Russian banks own him? Might there be a video with a live boy or dead goat? Maybe it’s his family. Did Eric break a Russian mobster’s Tiffany Egg? Is he the Manchurian President? Perhaps has one of those explosive implants under his skin like in a James Bond movie? Maybe his hairpiece is a sentient being designed by Soviet army scientists that has surreptitiously controlled him for decades.
Could it be a Montague/Capulet sort of thing? One theory is he admires the former KGB agent for iron ruling his country for 18 years and wants to grow up to be just like him. More importantly, joining Putin as one of the richest humans on the face of the planet. That would wipe the smirk off Bill Gates’ face.
Supporters argue he’s playing a long-term game and is a stable genius chess master thinking six moves ahead. Or maybe he gets points for every Russian President suck- up and after accumulating enough he gets to invade one of those little aggressive nations like Montenegro or Albania.
After walking back his walk back and unsaying what he said he didn’t say, Trump charged anybody who criticized his groveling as wanting to go to war with Russia. Who knew he was a proponent of Make Love Not War? Besides Michael Cohen, that is.
It’s not right for Americans to have to worry our president is so deep in the pocket of Putin, he’ll be combing lint out of his hair until the midterms. And with a second summit announced for Washington D.C. this fall, our only solace is that he is unable to pass on too many critical secrets due to the fact he doesn’t know anything.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.