HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Miley Cyrus performed a really raunchy routine at the MTV Awards show. How bad was it? The next morning her father Billy Ray Cyrus went to the courthouse in Nashville and changed his name to Billy Weiner Sandusky because he’s got his own career to think about
The AMA forecast a shortage of 100,000 physicians in 10 years due to all the retiring doctors. They’re impossible to replace. Reader’s Digest said for decades that laughter was the best medicine, maybe that’s why so many people died of tuberculosis.
Martin Luther King III spoke at the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington Saturday. He echoed his father’s dream of equality between blacks and whites. His speech was really eloquent but someone has to tell him that this is America, speak Spanish.
O.J. Simpson’s home in Florida was seized by JP Morgan Monday because he’s failed to make a mortgage payment in three years. The football legend is in prison for robbery and assault and kidnapping. He’s one of the few people who can say he really has done it all.
President Obama was urged by Britain and France to lead a military intervention in Syria. The gas attack prompted the outcry. Until President Obama makes a decision he remains huddled with his two closest Middle East advisors - his five-iron and his putter.
Secretary of State John Kerry ripped Syria’s regime Sunday for attacking defenseless Syrian families. Even housewives have had their butcher knives seized and they’ve got no gas for cooking. The dictator’s base of support is pretty much down to live chickens.
Syria’s dictator Bashar Al Assad warned the U.S. and Britain that any invasion of Syria will roil the Mideast. He faces the usual Allied plan. The U.S. is in charge of air attacks, the British are in charge of amphibious operations and France is in charge of refreshments.
The U.S. Navy neared Syria to pressure Bashar al Assad to step down Monday. He also faces family pressure to resign. When you have to sleep in the same bed as your generals so they cannot escape, your wife gets pretty tired of all the horseplay every night.
The Weather Channel reported a freak summer tropical storm in California deserts Monday. Sudden rainstorms shocked the locals. The San Diego City Council declared a state of emergency and ordered wet T-shirts to take cover from former Mayor Bob Filner.
Donald Trump was sued by New York for $40 million over the credentials of his online Trump College to claim an accredited business degree. He himself devised the curriculum. At Trump College they teach that a complex world demands complex hair.
Jerry Brown declared a state of emergency for San Francisco because of the Yosemite fires. It’s easy to spot the locals and warn them. Any guy with a George Clooney hair cut is a tourist from the Midwest and any woman with a George Clooney haircut is a local.
President Obama speaks on the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech today. The dream’s been altered a little. Today blacks drink at the same water fountains as whites, they just dream that gays and Hispanics will stop cutting in line.
The Pentagon printed a training manual likening the Founding Fathers to extremists of today. They did burn Episcopal churches and hang Methodists on sight for royalist loyalty. The Declaration of Independence clearly says no kings until Arnold Palmer is born.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.