In his last State of the Union Address, that renowned weaver of uplifting platitudes, President Barack Obama, crocheted his constituents one final quilt of bittersweet melancholy to remember him by. Not a victory lap so much as someone pulling his arms inside the chains preparing to dismount a swing over a crocodile pit.
According to the outgoing 44th POTUS, the State of the Union is pretty much what we thought he’d think it. Good, but could be better. Moving forward with some ways to go. Could use a little paint around the edges, but otherwise in halfway decent shape. Couple of dents, but damn it, we’re the country that invented Bondo.
We remain full of promise and hope, but need a concerted effort to overcome badness. We’re a country where evil IS NOT WELCOME, thank you very much. Sure, we have plenty of righteous people, but unless we maintain a constant vigil, nefarious elements will overtake our agenda of goodness. And then old people will die. Which is wrong.
The things we stand for are families, jobs and health. Conditions we can do without are crime, crib death and grumpy New York developers with the cheery optimism of that grey green slime you find clinging to sunken cave ceilings. But the president is forced to speak in soaring rhetoric while the rest of us long for specific proposals. We here at Durstco are here to help. Here’s a couple of tiny tweaks guaranteed to raise our quality of life.
Our union’s state would rise significantly if we could convince TV weather forecasters to just tell us what tomorrow’s temperature will be and stop teasing us with upcoming storm factor numbers and wind chill warnings at every break.
Politicians vowing to make English America’s official language should first sign a pledge to sell themselves exclusively to domestic lobbyists.
Can we stop the obsession with unicorns already, at least until these Silicon Valley companies show at least one quarter of profit? Not every crayon refrigerator drawing is a Picasso, and neither is every stupid app the next Instagram.
It would really be helpful if this country’s bloated billionaires would stop blaming all our problems on the poor. Ditto with sons of immigrants complaining about immigration.
From now on, in restaurants, any diner is allowed to chastise misbehaving children.
Here’s a tip - before trying to crowd onto an elevator, let people get off the elevator.
Never serve flavored coffee to a real coffee drinker, unless you want your shirt to smell like Hazlenut.
The quality of life in the US and around the world will be strengthened immeasurably once Selfie Sticks are outlawed.
Turn signals are the “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” of the road.
How bout a 2-month embargo on “Frozen?”
America needs to rebuild our jobs base before we end up with an economy based on people delivering virtual pizzas to one another.
We may be a little depressed right now, but hey, it’s January and nothing we can’t bounce back from now that “Downton Abbey” has returned and “The X-Files” is only a couple weeks away.
And finally, the real state of the union will be fine if people would just leave it alone. As our mothers used to say, “Don’t pick at it.”
Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler