How low can a presidential campaign go? In 2016, the answer to that question is find a snake belly and dig. Lower than the vertical zinc mines of Atlantis. This particular crew of candidates dived so deep in their race to the bottom, the plastic iPhone cases of staffers are melting due to the heat emanating from the core of the earth.
Obviously MSNBC and Fox News are doing the Stephen Curry shimmy, luxuriating in ratings heaven, but this is a primary that even TMZ and the National Enquirer could love. Not to mention the Syfy Network, Hustler Magazine and various porn websites.
So far, this election cycle has witnessed vulgar personal insults, obscene epithets, dirty tricks, the questioning of the size of a candidate’s... hands, Chris Christie and now disparaging remarks about each other’s wives. It won’t be long until we progress to booger eating and ugly children.
The recent bout of tawdriness was jump-started by an Anti-Trump super PAC ad that featured a naked Melania Trump and asked if that’s what Utah voters wanted to see in a First Lady. Presumably this question was not aimed at 13-year-old boys or the answer would have been a resounding “YEAH!”
How far we’ve come. Eleanor Roosevelt had her picture hung on library walls all over America. Melania Trump would be the first First Lady to have her picture viewed under a blanket with a flashlight. She won’t be much a daytime First Lady; more of a First Lady of the evening.
Donald Trump blamed Ted Cruz for the ad and warned Lying Ted he’d better be careful or the beans on Cruz’s wife would be spilled. And no, he never mentioned the exact nature of the legumes to be poured out, but presumably we’re not talking garbanzos, here.
Trump subsequently shared an image on Twitter that compared an unflattering photo of Cruz’s wife, Heidi to one of an angelic Melania. Not really fair to that small segment of society that doesn’t happen to be super models. Although Heidi Cruz is an attractive woman, she joins most of us in the category of not regularly asked to do naked photo shoots for GQ.
You’d think that would be Smear City enough, but then all hell broke loose. The National Enquirer printed an article alleging Ted Cruz had five separate extra-marital affairs since coming to D.C. They’re probably saving the bondage and STD accusations for a future issue.
What makes the story suspect is it means five different people were willing to be in a room alone with Ted Cruz. Which, as any colleague in the Senate could tell you, is highly unlikely. Cruz responded by calling Trump a “sniveling coward” and referring to him as Sleazy Donald. So now everybody’s got a nickname.
The seamy mess promises to escalate unless participants call an immediate truce. That or the next debate might include a 10 minute segment devoted to Yo Mama jokes. “Your mama is so fat, when she wears a Polo shirt, it has a real horse on it.” “Oh yeah, well, your mama is so fat, when she lies on the beach, Greenpeace tries to push her back into the ocean.” And then, dressed as a ninja, Mitch McConnell does the only decent thing and shoots everyone. Including himself.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager