A Vice Presidential pick is a defining moment in a campaign, motivating nominees to utilize unique strategies. Some try to accentuate their heavyweight status by partnering up with less vibrant versions of themselves in what might be called the “Bad Xerox Without Any Toner” maneuver. Think... Dan Quayle.
Some candidates pick opponents who put up distinguished fights on the primary trail, even though the two get along like hot fudge sundaes and gravel rakes in the “One Plus One Equals Three” scenario. Lyndon Johnson and Al Gore fit this template.
Others look for anything semi-vertical and warm blooded, in the “Please, Somebody, Anybody, Say Yes” approach which led George McGovern to pick Sargent Shriver after his first choice was revealed to suffer from depression (before being picked, as opposed to Shriver who was afflicted afterwards).
You have the “Game Changer” blueprint that gave us Sarah Palin and Admiral Stockdale. Who? Exactly. Then there’s the ever popular “Toughen the Kid Up by Giving Him a Taste of Satan” move, leading to Dick Cheney.
Looking presidential is not a problem for Hillary Clinton, as she has been involved in enough high profile intrigue, chicanery and deceit to give three or four late 19th Century administrations a run for their money. After eight years as first lady and four as secretary of state, she could plot her way to the Oval Office from the Lincoln Bedroom blindfolded. Of course, so could some of Bill’s dates.
Hillary’s requirements are more esoteric, so let’s check out the short list of possible candidates designed to provide the former New York Senator with an edge this November.
Bernie Sanders, because otherwise his legion of supporters will evaporate like pixie dust in a hard rain.
Elizabeth Warren, although having two people of the same sex on a single ticket would be unprecedented. Oh wait, no, it wouldn’t.
Cory Booker, because the best way to mooch some of that Obama mojo is picking someone who many Americans think is the same dude.
Tom Brady would complete “The Team of Schemers.”
Tim Kaine, a man so safe and boring he could accept a charisma implant from Richard Gephardt.
Ted Cruz could reveal inside info on which buttons to push to drive the GOP even crazier, not to mention really sticking it in Donald Trump’s craw.
Joaquin Castro, to cement the Hispanic vote, or his twin brother Julian. Or one of their uncles, Fidel or Raul.
Joaquin Phoenix, who can match Donald Trump crazy for crazy.
Joaquin Guzman, also known as El Chapo, to prove that in America, we believe in second chances. Also he’s a friend of Sean Penn and dresses nice.
Pete Rose, so both spots on the ticket will have the same haircut.
Stephen Curry, because who doesn’t love Stephen Curry?
Bill Cosby, who in comparison will make her the paragon of virtue. And if they lose, he’d be a perfect fall guy. He also provides assassination insurance.
Al Franken, because if the campaign does go down the tubes, at least he can keep the bus laughing.
Joe Biden, who would provide continuity, having proved he can do the job. Of course, so would Cheney.
John Hickenlooper, because “Vice President Hickenlooper” is just fun to say.
And finally, FBI director James Comey because, come on, the guy deserves something, right?
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager