President Trump’s remarks to the nation today, as recorded by Fox News:

In a few hours I will temporarily leave office, but I will never give up our fight to make America great again. 

As you know, I tried to have the rigged November election delayed. However, the Supreme Court, led by the turncoat John Roberts, refused to put aside partisan politics and ordered voting to proceed as scheduled. We suffered the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in American history, probably in world history. 

The election results are fake news! As a result, in a few hours you will have a fake president. 

Tens of thousands of people, many of them illegal immigrants, mailed in counterfeit ballots. I saw a TV report about one man who boasted that he voted over 500 times. 

The conspiracy to remove me from office began, as you know, during the corrupt Obama administration. Was it an accident that Obama’s accomplice was the same senile man who later today will take the fake oath of office? 

The plot against me never would have succeeded without help from China. Joe Biden and his son Hunter made millions on illegal deals with the Chinese. Why is there no investigation of how these two despicable men probably conspired to release the China Virus, as I call it, on our shores before I closed the border? 

Tomorrow, I will be opening the office of T.R.U.M.P. - The Real Unofficial Majority President - at the Trump International Hotel Washington D.C., a 5-star property, with 263 air-conditioned rooms, featuring minibars and flat-screen televisions. 

Kayleigh McEnany will be releasing our schedule of rallies, beginning Friday night at the Greensboro Coliseum in North Carolina. I’m told that there are already lines of beautiful people outside this beautiful 23,000 seat facility in the beautiful city of Greensboro. 

Tickets for the T.R.U.M.P. rallies are just $19.95, with VIP seating available at a slightly higher price. The patriots who attend will each receive a coupon good for 10 percent off on their next purchase of Trump Steaks. 

Our rallies will all be what I call “NMNM Events”: No masks, no media! 

I know that all of you in fake news, especially women with blood coming out of your eyes, blood coming out your - wherever - are happy today. You think you won’t have Trump to kick around anymore. Well, in 2024, if not sooner, we will prevail. 

I’m leaving my second set of golf clubs and most of my suits in the executive residence at the White House. Your interim fake president will probably be in a nursing home and won’t notice.

Behind and around me stands the Party with which I became great and which has become great through me. Our enemies must not deceive themselves. In the years of American history, our people-poor whites and rich whites alike-have never been more united than today. 

According to fake news, the horseface slob Nancy Pelosi wants the Justice Department to pursue criminal charges against me. 

I want to say this to the television audience. I have never profited from public service. People have got to know whether or not their real, unofficial president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook. I’ve earned everything I’ve got. 

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker.