Another Christmas has come and gone. Once again we got excited about the glittering decorations and the music and the Santa cookies. But you know, the holiday is not very woke.

I mean, why is Mrs. Claus stuck at home while Santa gets the attention and the world tour? Why do we only see Gingerbread “Men” and who decided that Christmas was, um, “white?” So because we’ve evolved to the point where in order not to hurt anyone, we lie, I’ve re-examined these beloved classics through an evolved lens, to convince myself how wrong I’ve been over the past six decades.

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

Have you ever wondered who decided Frosty was a man? Was he assigned “male” at birth as a tiny little snowball? Did the fact that he indeed, had tiny little snowballs convince the doctor to declare him a melting baby boy? If so, that is terribly backwards. We should all understand that perhaps this snowperson never fully identified as a man. Perhaps we should simply allow Frosty to tell us who “they” are, and live “their” truest identity in the forest. Because really, do puddles have an exact gender?

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

I think every single one of us was deeply moved by Charlie Brown’s attempt to find beauty in that ugly little tree. Seeing him walk through the forest, ignoring all of those amazing creations and head directly toward that abandoned little orphan sapling was incredibly moving. But after I watched as women found their voices over these past few years, I realized I’ve been supporting a man (okay, a 5-year-old boy) who had no respect whatsoever for females. Lucy specifically told Charlie to find a nice, big, shiny, flashy tree. Lucy was smart, she understood the whole thing about Christmas. She was a great businesswoman. This is the lady who said, “Look, Charlie, let’s face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.” And what did Charlie do? That chauvinist white male, he ignored her. He got the tree he wanted. He showed her that her opinion didn’t matter at all. Complete and utter disrespect for her mind, her judgment and her desire. And then, he essentially forces her to compliment him at the end by agreeing the pathetic little tree he picked wasn’t all that bad. Typical male.

THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS

Honestly, the Grinch, who is probably the first asexual non-binary character in children’s literature (unless you count Humpty Dumpty, but this is a Christmas column) was always considered to be a noble person because after stealing all of those things that didn’t belong to him, including the roast beast, he gave it all back. He did it because his heart enlarged three sizes “that day,” which might mean he had an adverse reaction to the vaccine, but that’s another column. But what if he hadn’t given it all back? What if he’d decided to keep everything, because he deserved it. He was a victim of society, and he deserved to have these things that didn’t belong to him. I thought of this as I watched the poor people in California breaking into high-end boutiques and stealing things that also didn’t belong to them, things they so desperately needed like Hermes scarves, Prada bags, gold jewelry and leather boots. These people, like the Grinch, had been left behind and forgotten, disrespected and discriminated against because of their color (Black, not green, but whatever). And so they had a right to steal these things, dammit! Which made me wonder why the Grinch had returned everything. He should have held on to the snoofs, and the tringlers, the fuzzles and the pantookas, the daffler and the wuzzles. He could have gotten great resale value for them on the street. I mean, haven’t they heard of criminal justice reform in Whoville?

THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL

This story always made me cry, knowing that this poor little girl was going to die of cold and hunger on Christmas Eve. But as I replay it in my mind today, I wonder why she didn’t just rent an apartment and stiff the landlord on rent, because the guy who ran the Kingdom, Emperor Biden, wouldn’t have let the owner kick her out. Problem solved.

If only I’d had the benefit of a woke education when I was a child, I wouldn’t have been suckered into believing that Frosty was a man, Charlie was compassionate, the Grinch was righteous and the Little Match Girl was doomed. I would have understood that the real fairy tales are taking place right now, in 2021.

Christine Flowers is an attorney and a columnist for the Delaware County Daily Times, and can be reached at cflowers1961@gmail.com