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God Bless America and how’s everybody?
The Hollywood Reporter announced Woody Allen signed to create his very first television series on Tuesday. It’s a great example of how lightning can strike in show business. For Woody Allen, it was a totally unexpected opportunity, but when the networks canceled Bill Cosby, a time slot opened up.
The Golden Globes aired live from the Beverly Hilton Sunday and drew 40 million viewers to NBC. It was held in the hotel ballroom. The Golden Globes lasted so long that by the end of the show, the kid from Boyhood had passed through puberty and was old enough to order a drink at the open bar.
Florida’s George Zimmerman was arrested for assault and domestic violence after his girlfriend called the cops late at night. It was his third arrest for domestic violence. The police report states George threw a wine bottle at his girlfriend, but to be fair, she was wearing a hoodie and eating Skittles.
The GOP presidential candidates began angling to line up donor support Monday. Anyone can run. Yesterday, Jeb Bush hosted a luncheon for 24 donors in Manhattan and raised $3 million dollars, and the next morning, Mitt Romney had breakfast by himself and raised 20 million.
John Boehner thanked the FBI for arresting an Ohio country club bartender who had discussed a desire to kill Boehner by slipping polonium poison in his drinks. Sign of the times. It’s just like today’s educational system to teach young people that anyone can grow up to be the president of Russia.
GOP conservatives crafted a Homeland Security bill Monday that removes money for Obama’s order shielding illegal aliens from deportation. There was no shortage of hypocricy in this bill. Voting for Justice Sonia Sotomayor was the first time that most U.S. Senators ever hired a Latina on the books.
The White House admitted Monday President Obama should’ve attended the anti-terrorism rally in Paris. The press secretary said the president wasn’t told of the rally. From now on whenever world events are breaking to which President Obama must respond, the ESPN anchor will tug on his right ear.
Paris satire newspaper Charlie Hebdo published a million copies Tuesday displaying a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed on the cover with a tear in his eye underneath the caption reading All is Forgiven. They didn’t get away with it. Comedians were quick to point out that he’s doing Jesus’s closer.
President Obama cited France’s aid to colonial patriot rebels in the Revolutionary war Monday in his praise of France. It wasn’t long before France reverted to form. French fries were invented in America, but we named them after the French because after you eat them, you feel fat and defeated.    
Moroccan-born Muslim mayor of Rotterdam Mahmoud Aboutaleb told Muslims who don’t like freedoms of the Netherlands to go home. It’s a nation of legal drugs, legal prostitution and bars open 24 hours. The cops can always spot a radical Muslim in the Netherlands by his white knuckles.
The White House refused to disclose President Obama’s strategy for emptying Guantanamo Bay prison despite so many released terrorists returning to the battlefield. Obama hasn’t had much success in the area of prisoner rehabilitation. Even the turkey he pardoned last November is back in jail.
ISIS made headlines Monday by hacking into the Pentagon’s Twitter and YouTube websites in a daring cyber-attack. They must stay in the news. If Ferguson, Ebola and Lindsay Lohan taught the world anything, it’s that as soon as a problem stops getting ratings, it’s no longer considered a problem.
The Detroit News reports a family of four rear-ended a sixteen-wheeler Friday and the mini-van was dragged down the expressway by the truck for over 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. Not only that, they cleared customs. If it wasn’t for this sort of thing, Canada would have zero immigration.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at