BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
ABC’s Diane Sawyer’s friends said Wednesday she wasn’t drunk during election night coverage. She slurred words, giggled repeatedly and mispronounced candidate names. No one got suspicious until 11 p.m. when she declared the winner to be Chardonnay.
Skyfall starring Daniel Craig as James Bond and Spanish actor Javier Bardem as the villain opened Friday. It takes spectacular courage and ability for the white male to overcome Hispanic opposition. The film doubles as comfort food for Republicans this week.
Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln starring Daniel Day Lewis comes out Saturday. The movie turns a nineteenth-century conservative Kentuckian into a twenty-first century liberal Democrat. If Lincoln were really a man of the people he’d have sat in the theater with them.
Staples Center management began quietly shopping for an NFL team Thursday after it got legal clearance to build a new stadium in Los Angeles. It will have a retractable roof. It will be closed for football but six days a week it will be an open-air drug market.
The White House vowed to nail Colorado and Washington state’s legal pot sales. The president has murdered terorist suspects, granted offshore drilling leases, and now he’s cracking down on pot. It hasn’t been a week and already Democrats have buyer’s remorse.
John Kerry was considered to be Secretary of State Thursday. He married the Heinz ketchup widow of the late Senator John Heinz and he became the richest man in the Senate. Anyone who can pounce that fast has the reflexes we need to protect our embassies.
The Hollywood Reporter noted a huge voter turnout in Hollywood last Tuesday. Not everyone in show business understands democracy. Six hundred celebrities were turned away at the polls when they asked the registrar where they could make a sperm donation.
The Pentagon said Thursday Iran fired on a U.S. Navy drone over the Persian Gulf. These drones and their rockets are controlled from inside a U.S. Army trailer out in Nevada. If the drone strikes were controlled from anywhere else, it would not be legal to bet on them.
Hillary Clinton prepared to exit as Secretary of State after setting a record for most travel miles on the job. She was also the most-traveled First Lady. She has the world’s largest collection of little peanut packets, which will come in handy when she starts flying commercial.
Business Insider reports that the professions that have the highest number of psychopaths are CEOs, lawyers and media people. They feel no guilt, no remorse, and no empathy. The psychologists who drew up this list left off comedians for fear of what we might do to them.
Donald Trump went nuts during Tuesday’s election night defeat for Republicans and tweeted a call for revolution. He quickly deleted the tweet but the damage was done. Riot police rushed to Park Avenue to put down a mob of rich people wielding shrimp forks.
The Vatican annouced on Friday that Pope Benedict will obtain a Twitter account next week and began tweeting to followers. They took all precautions to make sure it goes well. They brought in Anthony Weiner to teach church officials how to send private photos.
Republican Party pundits argued Tuesday over the reasons for Tuesday’s loss in the elections. It was demoralizing. The Republicans were so deep in shock the day after the election it took three boarding announcements to get them on their plane to Australia.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.