BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Toyota agreed in U.S. court Friday to pay two billion dollars to settle lawsuits alleging sudden acceleration and brake failure in newer model Toyotas. The needed repairs may take years. More Toyota owners would stop and get their cars fixed, if only they could.
Bill Murray got Oscar-worthy notices at the Telluride Film Festival for his portryal of FDR in Hyde Park on Hudson. It’s about FDR and his three mistresses. It’s not widely known that the real reason Franklin Roosevelt was in a wheelchair was that his legs just gave out.
The Treasury Department warned Thursday that the government will reach its debt limit on New Year’s Eve. After that, the U.S. has no money for operations, government salaries or entitlement checks. Democrats are about to find out that it’s easier to quit heroin.
The FBI was handed a report Thursday saying Whitney Houston was murdered by hitmen in her hotel bathtub. The report says she owed her coke dealer a million bucks and was killed over the drug debt. In the music industry that’s considered natural causes.
President Obama joked to ABC Friday his main incentive to be president was to have armed guards around Malia on dates. It shows progress. This is a softer position than the one he originally held, that the girls couldn’t go to school unless they’re wearing burkas.
Senator Harry Reid forecast Thursday that America will go over the fiscal cliff. This immediately will require five hundred billion in military cuts. Until there’s a budget deal we’re going to be forced to invade smaller countries with no oil just to keep our swing in groove.
GOP senators vowed to delay John Kerry’s confirmation until Hillary Clinton testifies about her role in the terrorist attack on Benghazi. She blames a concussion for her delay. It’s ironic for someone who successfully ducked this for three months to hit her head.
Hawaii governor Neal Abercrombie named Lieutenant Governor Brian Schatz to fill the late Daniel Inouye’s Senate seat. Liberals in Honolulu are angry he chose a white male over two Asian women candidates for the appointment. The governor explained that he wasn’t so much naming a white male as he was expelling a likely gun owner from Hawaii.
Senator Dianne Feinstein introduced a bill that bans automatic guns Thursday. Her bill also requires all gun owners to be fingerprinted. O.J. Simpson is openly complaining in prison that today they are after the gun owners, and tomorrow it’ll be the knife owners.
The L.A. police conducted a gun buyback Friday, handing people one-hundred-dollar grocery gift cards in exchange for guns. It won’t change their murderous habits. The killers will just bring their gift cards to the grocery store and buy bacon for their families.
Russia’s Vladimir Putin announced Thursday he will sign a law banning Americans from adopting Russian orphans, but they will still allow you to order Russian brides on the Internet. It’s just as well. Most of these girls don’t look like they’d make good mothers.
The National Retailers Association reported huge sales on the day after Christmas as bargain hunters stormed the malls. Every year features the same sales rhythm. In Los Angeles things start returning to normal when the sidewalk Santas go back to selling crack.
Wisconsin Potato and Vegetable Growers fired Olympic star Suzy Favor-Hamilton as their spokeswoman after she admitted moonlighting as a Las Vegas call girl. You can imagine the outrage in farm country. The Potato and Vegetable Growers get crop subsidy money from Congress in exchange for their votes, and they will not be represented by a prostitute.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.