HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?  
Southern Californians looked like idiots Friday, flocking to the beaches to watch the tsunami arrive from Japan. The danger was ignored.
At this point we’d rather die suddenly in an act of God than have Charlie Sheen slowly peck us to death for the next 40 years.
The White House issued a statement of support to Japan following their earthquake Friday which sounded very hastily written. The message assured the Japanese people that America’s support for them was unshakable.
At least it didn’t say we were deeply moved.
Los Angeles officials reviewed the city’s earthquake reaction procedures Friday.
It’s a three-pronged response.
If a huge earthquake starts shaking L.A., fire and rescue teams deploy at major intersections, cops go on tactical alert and members of the entertainment industry stand in the nearest doorway and mope that they just washed their cars yesterday.
Indonesia’s volcano erupted following Japan’s earthquake Friday, while New Jersey flooded and the South endured tornadoes.
The earth is sending us a clear message.
It’s so constipated from the lack of oil drilling off the Louisiana coast that it’s ready to explode.
President Obama directed oil companies to drill on their leases in the Gulf of Mexico Friday to increase our oil supplies.
All the president asked is that oil workers follow the new safety regulations.
For instance there must be one sober person on the rig at all times.
The Chicago Commodities Exchange saw cotton futures prices reach an all-time high Friday. The fabric’s popularity fluctuates. History teachers are always claiming that Abe Lincoln freed the slaves but black people have a lingering suspicion it was polyester.
Bill Clinton backed President Obama’s decision to stop enforcing the 10-year-old Defense of Marriage Act.
He now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency.
To be fair, during his presidency, he opposed his own marriage.   
Starbucks coffee shops are celebrating their 40th anniversary across the country all this week. The lobbies are festooned with balloons and streamers.
The real reason they’re celebrating is that today’s gas prices are making their coffee prices look reasonable.
Air New Zealand began flights from L.A. to New Zealand this month with completely re-fitted passenger cabins. They now offer couples adjoining seats that convert to beds.
And you thought it was annoying when the couple next you talked during the entire flight.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com)