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My exclusive interview with the fly that sat on Mike Pence’s head
Dick Polman

Q: Congratulations, Mr. Fly. You won the vice presidential debate Thursday night. You are America’s Insect. How do you feel today?

A: Just like the president, I feel great. I felt it was my solemn duty to participate.

Q: Why? What compelled you to go sit on the vice president’s head for so long? Have you always been interested in politics?

A: Not until Thursday night. I was always content to zip here and there, nobody telling me what to do. I did like when the vice president talked about “freedom” and against “mandates.” I wouldn’t want a mandate telling me where I can fly or not fly. But as I was listening to what the vice president was saying to that lady on stage, I decided I had to take a stand.

Q: Wow, Mr. Fly. You became politicized in the blink of your thousands of eyes?

A: Frankly, I went there to sample the vice president’s hair product. But remember, I’m a fly - so I stayed for all his s—-.

Q: Whoa, Mr. Fly. This is a family publication. How can you say such a thing?

A: Because I’ve rubbed my hands and legs together and done some homework, which your audience may appreciate. Roughly 212,000 humans are dead from that virus, right? And 7.6 million are infected? But here’s what I heard Thursday night: “From the very first day President Donald Trump has put the health of Americans first...I couldn’t be more proud to serve as vice president to a president who stands without apology for the sanctity of human life.” He really said that.

Q: Gee. Anything else?

A: Oh yes. The buzz these days is that the president is mean to pretty much everyone who isn’t an able-bodied white person. But here’s what I heard Thursday night: “This is a president who respects and cherishes all the American people.” He really said that.

Q: We get the point.

A: There’s more. When I fly around I notice how much warmer the air is. You call it “climate change.” Here’s what I heard Thursday night: “President Trump has made it clear that we’re going to continue to listen to the science.” He really said that.

Q: Surely that’s all you got.

A: Oh no. There’s also buzz that we don’t know how sick the president is because his doctors keep hiding all kinds of information. But here’s what I heard Thursday night: “The transparency they’ve practiced all along the way will continue.” He really said that.

Q: No wonder you stayed on his head so long. Anything else bugging you?

A: Yeah. He wouldn’t answer simple questions. Like when he was asked, if you kill the law that protects people with health conditions, what’s your plan to help people who have health conditions? He changed the subject. Or when he was asked to explain why his boss won’t challenge the dictator who has put “bounties” on American soldiers? He changed the subject. Or when he was asked, are there plans to have you step in if the president gets too sick to work? He changed the subject.

Q: You are very well informed, for a fly.

A: I have a lot of free time. And there’s one other thing. I don’t presume to speak for half the human race - all the women out there - and I’ll admit that I like to land on their hair, too. But I bet they didn’t like how the vice president refused to stop talking when it wasn’t his turn. Whenever that Harris lady would start to stay something, he wouldn’t let her talk. She kept saying, “I’m speaking, Mr. Vice President! I’m speaking!” I thought that if I stayed on his head long enough, maybe he’d get distracted and shut up. But alas I failed.

Q: You seem upset, Mr. Fly. Why?

A: Just puzzled, I suppose. I buzzed past a TV today, and someone said that the president and vice president are already getting “crushed in the polls” by women - so why would the vice president want to make things even worse?

Q: I guess it was just in his nature. Speaking of nature, I understand that it’s common for flies to vomit when they land on something?

A: Yes, but only when we eat. That’s why I finally left his head. I was still hungry for substance. That fellow wasn’t worth my puke.

Dick Polman, a veteran national political columnist based in Philadelphia and a Writer in Residence at the University of Pennsylvania, writes at Email him at