President Donald Trump loves him some wall. Not the wall of corruption he’s surrounded himself with. Not that karmic wall of wasting all his political capital sucking up to superstitious xenophobes. Nor the huge self-erected wall that keeps him from learning or uttering or even caring about the truth. No, not those thick as a brick wall.
We’re talking about his obsession with a physical structure on our southern border, which he’s variously described as being big and beautiful, see through, transparent, steel slats, concrete, fences, barriers, whatever you want to call it. He even said opponents can name it “peaches.”
So Peaches, it is.
Resolving a 35-day government shutdown, he agreed to a congressional compromise that gives him less money for Peaches than they agreed to back in December, before he got chastised by Fox News. They don’t call him Mister Art of the Deal for nothing.
In response he declared a national emergency and wants to take money from other programs to build Peaches. Or does he? He knows this maneuver will put reluctant GOP senators on record and be challenged in the courts. And he’s already set himself up to lose by announcing he didn’t have to do this now, he could have waited. Which seriously questions the “emergency” part of national emergency.
The dirty little secret is he doesn’t actually want Peaches. He just gets a kick out of talking about her. To goose his base into roaring and cheering while demonizing people who don’t look like them. To get liberals so red in the face they make ripe tomatoes look pale pink covered in talcum.
Recently, the president switched from having rallies chant “Build the Wall,” to “Finish the Wall,” as if he already started construction. Which is like a naked guy asking for alterations to the cuffs of the suit he isn’t wearing and doesn’t own. Adding another chapter to that whole Emperor’s New Clothes analogy. Only true supporters can see his kingly robes.
It doesn’t make any sense. Riling up Texas ranchers by invoking eminent domain. Slashing pet projects of the military. Besides, exactly how does he plan to build a 1,952 mile-long wall on the Mexican border without using Mexican labor? Is he going to draft housewives from La Jolla? “Marilyn, hand me that masonry trowel.”
And why does he need Congress to give him money? Whatever happened to Mexico paying for Peaches? Are we supposed to just forget about that? Perhaps he was kidding. He didn’t mean it. Or was it a figurative “paying for it?” He should build Peaches around his refrigerator. Or between his hands so he can’t tweet.
Doesn’t matter that undocumented immigrants commit less crimes than native- born Americans. Pay no attention to the studies that say crime in cities with larger amounts of undocumented immigrants is less than other cities. These aren’t facts, they’re fake news.
“But they’re taking all our jobs.” Dude, if you’re losing your job to someone with a 5th grade education, who doesn’t speak English, maybe immigration isn’t your biggest problem.
He certainly is right on one point. This country is experiencing a state of affairs that requires quick and decisive action. As that self- described American patriot Ann Coulter said after his announcement, “The only national emergency is the president is an idiot.”
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.