Democrats applying to be their party’s next presidential nominee constitute the second largest growth industry in America surpassed only by those providing legal advice to Trump Administration staffers. It’s a number climbing to where it might be easier to list those currently not planning a run. And no, we can’t rule out Jimmy Carter, Anthony Weiner or Lyndon Johnson.
Holy moley catfish, there’s a ton of them. Scads. Gobs. Reams. Oodles. A raft. A mob. A plethora. A profusion. An abundance. Veritable boatloads. Some might say a rash of candidates. A plague or even an epidemic.
We’re still a year out from the Iowa Caucuses, with the first debate not scheduled to start serious internecine squabbling until June. According to Ballotpedia, 192 Democrats have officially entered the 2020 contest for the White House including a guy named Cohen Eden Solutionator. Eleven are considered authentic, but many more big names are poised to leap into this liberal scrum like lemmings off a cliff with a 60 mph wind at their backs.
The presidency of Donald Trump has resuscitated a term popular back in the early 20th century - “Yellow Dog Democrats.” Those are voters who would rather elect a saffron colored canine than a Republican. You know, like California.
Many Dems would vote for the Solutionator, his pet ferret or a child’s beach pail full of wet sand, if they thought any would have a chance to deny the New York City real estate developer a second term. A banana faced monkey dribbler. A reeking heap of steaming feces. Because it would be their reeking heap of steaming feces. As opposed to the reeking heap of steaming feces currently soiling Oval Office furniture.
With no front-runner, the field is more wide open than a condo complex at Chernobyl. Hillary Clinton is such old news, her S’s look like F’s. New Jersey Senator Cory Booker is running as a feistier sequel to Obama. Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren may be the candidate the president fears the most since she’s the only one with a nickname. So far.
Hawaii Representative Tulsi Gabbard, South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar just want people to pronounce their names correctly. Julian Castro needs separation from his twin brother. Sherrod Brown, Michael Bloomberg, Beto O’Rourke and some guy named Joe are biding their time and former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper gets points for being fun to say.
Kamala Harris is a woman, half Jamaican and half Indian. If only she were lesbian suffering from bipolar issues who owned an anxiety peacock, she’d be perfect. The California senator survived the curse of being referred to as the front-runner for about a minute until Bernie Sanders threw his hat into the ring. Well, near the ring. His aim isn’t what it used to be.
In this race, the Vermont senator will have to share his far left lane. He might not even be the most socialist candidate, which is the seam Mister Trump looks ready to attack. And attack he will.
After all Bernie blazed the trail and energized that part of the party that thinks Karl Marx was too middle of the road. But we can say with the upmost certainty the Bernmeister will retain the mantle of crankiest candidate. I’m pretty sure his campaign website is heyyoupunksgetoffmylawn.com.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.