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Things I’ve never done
Jase Graves

A few days ago, my wife and I were taking our evening almost-senior-citizen power stroll, and the subject of Hooters came up. Yes, Hooters. And I’ll tell you why (even if you wish I wouldn’t).

We were having a good laugh because someone on Facebook had suggested that our local and recently-shuttered Bed Bath & Beyond store might become a giant Hooters. (Pretend you didn’t read those last two words together.)

It was at that point I realized and proudly confessed to my wife that I’ve never visited a Hooters restaurant. My self-righteous gloating was soon silenced, though, when my wife announced, “Well, I have. It was a long time ago, and I was on a business trip. It obviously wasn’t my choice.”

I was stunned, not so much that my wife had been served owl tacos, or whatever it is they have at Hooters, but that she had done this stereotypical “man” thing that I’d never done – and really have no desire to do. (I mean, who eats owls?)

That got me thinking about other things I haven’t done in my 50-something-year-old life, so I made a list (even if you wish I wouldn’t).

1. I’ve never been duck hunting. My father-in-law did take me deer hunting once–back when I was dating his daughter and he was still trying to decide whether or not to let me live. Duck hunting actually sounds kind of fun, except for the getting wet, getting cold and getting up before noon on a Saturday parts.

2. I’ve never been to an escape room. However, I experience something like it every night when I try to find my way to the bathroom half asleep in the dark.

3. I’ve never been to a NASCAR, Formula 1, or drag race. I have given all three of my daughters driving lessons, so I’m good.

4. I’ve never watched “Game of Thrones.” (See number 2.)

5. I’ve never been fly fishing–unless you count those times I’ve been sitting in a meeting at work and discovered, to my horror, that my pants were unzipped.

6. I’ve never been axe throwing. I did abuse some pine trees with those ninja throwing stars as a kid, though. (I grew up during the 1970s and 80s when parents still allowed kids to eat highly processed meats and play with sharp objects unattended.)

7. I’ve never played “Call of Duty.” (See number 2.)

8. I’ve never been to a Taylor Swift concert, and I’d really like to go. I’m actually on a waiting list for tickets to an upcoming concert in New Orleans, but I think it’s more of a “you sad, sad man who will never get tickets and shouldn’t want them” list.

9. I’ve never played pickleball. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but if it involves food eaten with pickles (or food of any kind), I’m in.

10. And speaking of eating, I’ve never had cauliflower-crust pizza. I’ve tried to eat raw cauliflower, which reminds me of eating a candle, and I eat my own weight in pizza about once a week. (See number 2.) But I really believe in keeping my food groups separate, so I think I’ll pass.

So, there you have it. Now that I’ve gotten all of this off my chest, I know I’ll sleep better – if I can find my way back from the bathroom.

Graves is an award-winning humor columnist from East Texas. His columns have been featured in Texas Escapes magazine, The Shreveport Times, The Longview News Journal, and The Kilgore News Herald. Contact Graves at