What if you were one of Santa’s elves? You’d be working feverishly right now. Packing Santa’s sleigh and putting the finishing touches on all of the things our sports world needs that we’re all asking for.
I know Santa has six elves now. You would make seven, joining Alabaster Snowball, Bushy Evergreen, Pepper Minstix, Shinny Upatree, Sugarplum Mary and Wunorse Openslae. Check it out. That’s REALLY their names. If you’ve got any pull with those guys, how about making sure some of these requests get filled?
Could you change the name of that gentle giant that plays center for Kansas basketball? Maybe change his name to something like “Joe Smith” or “Tom Jones”. That would be way easier for the announcers to say than Udoka Azubuike. You know, like “Udoka Azubuike slams home another dunk!” I think we’re all going to be saying that a lot for the next couple of years!
Pack something in that sleigh to take to all of those Texas Longhorn fans. I don’t know exactly what, perhaps a little dose of humility? They are certainly lacking in that area but, gee, if their football and basketball teams keep playing the way they are, is a little humbleness very far behind? Would you believe a losing record in Big 12 football over the past five years? Basketball is a little rocky too. Hook ‘M Horns? Those rich boosters are tired of sitting on the end of those horns, not giving that “Hook ‘M Horns” sign!
You might pack a little of that water from the “Fountain of Youth” for that white-haired coaching maestro in Manhattan. Bill Snyder, AGAIN, has Kansas State in a bowl game. In August they told us it wasn’t gonna happen. Probably destined for eighth place in the Big 12. That’s what the smarties told us. Wouldn’t you think, by now, they would’ve learned? The silver-haired wonder goes on and on but, just in case, a little of that special water from the “Fountain of Youth” would be appreciated because those Cats have got the makings of something really special next year.
Mr. Elf, how about a special stocking-stuffer for the Big 12. They are in need of a banner bowl season. Left out, once again, of the national playoffs—something we will grouse about a little later—our teams, our conference, really, really needs a super performance to restore a little of the lost luster to that football image. The Big 12 is involved in five bowl games, Mr. Elf. Please, please, cobble up something and give it to Santa, or Rudolph, so that Boise State, those folks who play on that blue grass, don’t upset and embarrass Baylor. Baylor sometimes does that you know—lays an egg! The mountain boys of West Virginia are taking on those slick-talking muggers from Miami. Tell them to lay down their squirrel rifles and pay attention to the game!
Oklahoma State and all of those Cowboys are playing Colorado. Please, PLEASE, don’t let those upstart Buffaloes who jilted us at the altar by leaving our conference, even come close to T.Boone Pickens’ guys! Auburn tangles with our conference’s best, Oklahoma. Help Bobby Stoops game plan this right! Pride is on the line. Big 12 vs. Southeast Conference. Most of all, though, Mr. Elf, have a little heart. Kansas State plays Texas A&M in Houston. Slip a little extra cash in the pockets of those Wildcat fans so they travel well and show up, otherwise we are going to have to hear all about that “12thMan stuff, and watch all of those Cadets do their silly pushups! Yeah, I remember back when those Aggies knocked the Wildcats out of a chance to play for a national championship. Time for a payback!
Finally Mr. Elf, a little something in the rememberance of Zsa Zsa Gabor, who passed away this past week at the age of 99. What a sports fan! She had nine husbands! She HAD to be a sports fan! Surely there was a ball game or two, a college cheer or two, a mascot or two, that made it into her home, on the television screen!
Take a rest this weekend, Mr. Elf. You’ve earned it! Merry Christmas!