Dear Santa –
It’s been a long year since I last wrote. Here’s my Christmas wish list:
Let’s begin with Christmas cards. I want just a few cards from a mother/daughter combination that don’t beg the question … which one is the mom? Go ahead … return that Hollister tank top back to your daughter’s closet. Plus those boots that were last worn by Pocahontas.
I’d like a GPS for my car keys, wallet, TV remote, old gift cards and tracking for the college boys arriving shortly. More needs: a channel block for all things Alec Baldwin, especially those Capital One ads that run endlessly during college football. Add to this list – anything with the Kardashians and the Jersey Shore stiffs. A razor that won’t go dull no matter how much someone uses it on their calves. A digital scale that doesn’t blink for ten seconds while it calculates my new weight. So I had a few Christmas cookies at midnight ….
I’d like to board in Zone 1, not 12, and have the gate attendant telling me ‘first class has not checked in full. Would you like an entire row to spread out? We have a martini waiting for you. Grey Goose?” As for Greece, Spain, Italy and Portugal – nevermind ceding from the Euro … how about leaving the planet? There’s room on Mars. My 410K would love that. I want an app that disables smart phones inside church and that requires one call to mom for every 3 text messages. An app that shovels the drive, rake leaves and guarantees you nine hours of sleep. One password for everything.
A sleeve of golf balls that I get to know for more than an hour. I want a hole in two. I need friends and followers. Not real friends – I have one and that’s all I need – Bernie. I mean on Facebook and Twitter (DudeKeenan). I like the “take your daughter to work day” – but I want a ‘take your dog to work day.’ I’d give Bernie a security card and attach it to her tail. For an entire day all the employees could move freely between floors. If Bernie could read, Dude II would be on the New York Times bestseller list. That would be nice.
Santa, how about college grade cards that arrive in the mail, addressed to the parents, and includes a conduct grade and attendance.
I want Frank White to return and not just announce the games but play in them too. While we are at it, the Chiefs need a QB. Two words: Len Dawson. More Old Spice commercials. I love the ads for the World’s Most Interesting Man, but I want Larry to be featured. I saw him cliff dive once at the Ozarks. Alcohol may have been involved. More Tim Tebow and Jordy Nelson. Less – pretty much everyone else in the NFL. Another two months before the NBA returns would be a nice bonus.
I’d like to walk around Home Depot for an entire weekend and stare at things I don’t own – in other words aisles 1-200. Someday I want to attend a class on how to use a drill.
Santa – I started writing you ten years ago. An annual request was to take care of the military and bring them home safe. With the end of the Iraq war and the return of our troops, this year more than any other … I know you are real.
Matt Keenan’s book, “Call Me Dad, Not Dude,” is available at Borders and online at thekansascitystore.com. Write to Matt at his website, matthewkeenan.com.