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Counselors: Effective arguing improves couples' relationships
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The majority of couples experience conflict in their relationship and argue, an act that most experts agree is good for relationships. While any argument has the potential to escalate, arguing effectively can actually improve a relationship long-term. After all, arguments result from one’s need to express concerns to someone they care about and serve as a method to openly communicate. Catholic Charities of Kansas, which leads free relationship education and marriage enrichment groups across the state, encourages couples to learn how to argue effectively in order to express themselves in the most constructive and respectful ways possible to resolve conflicts.
 One of the most important things to realize is that conflicts will arise in a relationship, but there is a clear difference between a healthy heated discussion and fighting. According to TwoOfUs.org, a national online resource for healthy relationships, fighting involves raised voices, name calling, bringing up the past and is primarily problem focused. Controlled speaking and listening, on the other hand, uses calm voices, mutual respect, focuses on one issue and seeks solutions.
 “The relationship education and marriage enrichment groups offered by Catholic Charities throughout Kansas help individuals and couples learn the healthiest ways to enrich their relationships,” said Deborah Snapp, executive director, Catholic Social Service in the Diocese of Dodge City. “Resolving conflict is one topic we provide guidance on to ensure participants are equipped with the right tools to address and embrace disagreements appropriately.”
 In its list of 10 Tips for a Healthy Relationship, Kansas State Counseling Services outlines advice for handling disputes in a healthy manner:
 • Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don’t have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired.
• Don’t criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with “I” statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don’t open with “you” statements, which might seem to blame the other person for your feelings.
• Don’t assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves.  Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain their thoughts and feelings.
• Stay with the topic. Don’t use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you about the relationship.
• Don’t assume things. When we feel close to someone it’s easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels.
• Ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution, such as a counselor, faith leader or even your parents.
• Don’t hold grudges.
• The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things.
• You can leave a relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship if it becomes too difficult for your own growth and happiness.
Have you ever noticed the arguing habits in your own relationship? A 2010 Journal of Marriage and Family study that followed 373 couples for 16 years starting from the first year of marriage determined that if a couple’s argument styles conflict there is a higher chance of a split.
Catholic Charities of Kansas offers free workshops and support services in communities across the state that can help individuals and couples learn constructive ways to argue and other improvement opportunities that arise in relationships. Learn more at www.KansasLoveLetters.com.
For example, if one person in the relationship tends to tackle problems head-on in a constructive manner, but the other would rather ignore the issues, it proves difficult to find a productive solution. Good habits keep couples strong – the spouses who had constructive argument tendencies had a higher rate of staying together.
 No type of abuse should ever be tolerated. If you think you need help, call the Kansas Statewide Hotline at 1.888.END.ABUSE or Family Crisis Center, Great Bend at 620.792.1885.
 Catholic Charities of Kansas offers free workshops and support services in communities across the state that can help individuals and couples learn constructive ways to argue and other improvement opportunities that arise in relationships. Learn more at www.KansasLoveLetters.com.