We all want our children to grow up and be independent adults. Yet, figuring out how to get them there can be challenging.
Good parents teach and train their children along the way so that they can learn and be ready to be completely independent.
This takes time. Sometimes were tempted to just clean the room ourselves or empty the garbage cans when the kids are slow to do their chores. But if we keep doing everything for our children, they will be completely UNprepared when theyre adults. That is bad for everyone.
Hold many practice sessions
After many training sessions, allow the child to have some practice sessions. Have them perform the task, then you check it. Make the checking fairly positive. If they do it incorrectly, you can say, Oh, maybe you didnt understand this clearly when we were training. Lets practice this. Have them do it over and over. Be quite open about things, Ashley, these are practice sessions where we can see if youve learned how to do this. Just do your best and ask questions if you have problems with it.
Adding tasks as chores
Often, it helps to have these practice sessions become chores. Say, for example, youve taught your daughter how to weed the flowerbeds. You can then have it assigned as her chore for three months so that she can have lots of opportunities to practice. Be sure and check her afterward to see if more teaching needs to occur. Note: I said, teaching, not yelling, criticizing, or berating.
If your child is consistently doing a poor job, stop and pull it off his chores and go back to training sessions. Now I dont want you to think these sessions are long drawn-out affairs. Sometimes theyre two minutes. OK, heres how you use a vacuum. Boom. Two minutes. Now you try it. Bingo. About 1 to 2 times and youre done. Much of the training will be this simple.
Having many of these tasks incorporated into chores really reinforces the training and allows lots of practice.
Mastery and Incorporation into Lifestyle
Eventually, the child will master the task. When that happens, step back and let them incorporate it into their lifestyle. When your child learns how to make his or her own doctors appointments, stand back. Hand them the phone and say, Here, honey, you need a physical for camp. Make the doctors appointment and let them have at it.
The general rule: If they can do it, dont do it for them.
If they can make their snacks, let them. If they can pick out their clothes, let them. I can remember one time I was giving a lecture on this topic and a woman in the audience told me that her sister was still picking out her husbands clothes. We all gasped in shock thinking there was no way that could be true. She said, Oh, yes. His mother always laid out his clothes and he told his wife that was her job, and shes been doing it for over twenty years! Thats certainly an extreme example. Shouldnt she get a clue that hes fully capable of doing this himself?
As your children acquire these skills and master them, let them go and become part of their own lives. This can sometimes be difficult to do. But resist the urge to slow your kids down.
Good parents teach and train their children along the way so that they can learn and be ready to be completely independent.
This takes time. Sometimes were tempted to just clean the room ourselves or empty the garbage cans when the kids are slow to do their chores. But if we keep doing everything for our children, they will be completely UNprepared when theyre adults. That is bad for everyone.
Hold many practice sessions
After many training sessions, allow the child to have some practice sessions. Have them perform the task, then you check it. Make the checking fairly positive. If they do it incorrectly, you can say, Oh, maybe you didnt understand this clearly when we were training. Lets practice this. Have them do it over and over. Be quite open about things, Ashley, these are practice sessions where we can see if youve learned how to do this. Just do your best and ask questions if you have problems with it.
Adding tasks as chores
Often, it helps to have these practice sessions become chores. Say, for example, youve taught your daughter how to weed the flowerbeds. You can then have it assigned as her chore for three months so that she can have lots of opportunities to practice. Be sure and check her afterward to see if more teaching needs to occur. Note: I said, teaching, not yelling, criticizing, or berating.
If your child is consistently doing a poor job, stop and pull it off his chores and go back to training sessions. Now I dont want you to think these sessions are long drawn-out affairs. Sometimes theyre two minutes. OK, heres how you use a vacuum. Boom. Two minutes. Now you try it. Bingo. About 1 to 2 times and youre done. Much of the training will be this simple.
Having many of these tasks incorporated into chores really reinforces the training and allows lots of practice.
Mastery and Incorporation into Lifestyle
Eventually, the child will master the task. When that happens, step back and let them incorporate it into their lifestyle. When your child learns how to make his or her own doctors appointments, stand back. Hand them the phone and say, Here, honey, you need a physical for camp. Make the doctors appointment and let them have at it.
The general rule: If they can do it, dont do it for them.
If they can make their snacks, let them. If they can pick out their clothes, let them. I can remember one time I was giving a lecture on this topic and a woman in the audience told me that her sister was still picking out her husbands clothes. We all gasped in shock thinking there was no way that could be true. She said, Oh, yes. His mother always laid out his clothes and he told his wife that was her job, and shes been doing it for over twenty years! Thats certainly an extreme example. Shouldnt she get a clue that hes fully capable of doing this himself?
As your children acquire these skills and master them, let them go and become part of their own lives. This can sometimes be difficult to do. But resist the urge to slow your kids down.
