HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
It’s time for our annual look back at the year in jokes.
JANUARY - Osama bin Laden took credit for the Underwear Bomber’s airline bombing attempt over Detroit on Christmas Day. He doesn’t know if the attempt succeeded. Looking at an aerial view of Detroit you can’t tell if the bomb went off or it didn’t.
FEBRUARY - The Super Bowl nixed a TV ad showing two men watching the game as their hands touch in a potato chip bowl. They lose control and kiss. The NFL has always taught us that beer will make you sexy but they won’t teach us that potato chips make you gay.
MARCH - Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the presidential straw poll at the Conservative Conference in Washington Saturday. He’s a gynecologist. Of all the conservatives, he’s the one who’s most like Ronald Reagan, only those aren’t his feet in the stirrups.
APRIL - Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Wednesday U.S. troops are making progress in Afghanistan. Just last week U.S. forces captured the Taliban’s number-two leader. This sounds like a big deal until you realize that Joe Biden is our number-two leader.
MAY - British Petroleum launched a massive effort to plug the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Every night people get angrier seeing oil-covered pelicans on the TV news. If Americans want to see oil-covered birds they’ll go to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
JUNE - President Obama held a press conference Thursday to address the Gulf of Mexico oil spill reaching Florida. It’s getting worse. After the press conference, the president met Bill Clinton for lunch, the first sign that the slick had reached Obama.
JULY - Obama demanded amnesty for illegals Tuesday, the same day health care reform put a tax on tanning booths. It’s nuts. Leave it to Democrats to subsidize brown people who want to be Americans and tax Americans who want to be browner people.
AUGUST - Fox News host Greg Gutfeld vowed to open a gay disco across the street from the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, The FBI actually likes the idea. It’ll give us an extra three hundred pair of eyes on every young man who goes in and out of the mosque.
SEPTEMBER - Pastor Terry Jones faced a press conference Thursday and canceled his planned Koran burning on his church lawn. There was palpable relief in Asia. The pastor’s Southern accent led many people in the world to think he was planning to burn Koreans.
OCTOBER - Chilean miners were jubilant Friday when all 33 men emerged from the mine after two months. Cheers in Chile turned to concern in Arizona. The U.S. Border Patrol isn’t prepared to deal with illegal aliens coming from the center of the earth.
NOVEMBER - Obama fled the election results Wednesday and flew to India where he will give a televised speech to their Congress.
It’s a great place for him to make a speech. If Barack Obama’s Teleprompter breaks in India, tech support is a local call.
DECEMBER - Prince William gave Kate Middleton his mother’s engagement ring Thursday. When Lady Diana got engaged to Prince Charles she had to pass a virginity test. At U.S. airports this week four dozen American women were cleared by the TSA to marry royalty.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)