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Argus Hamilton
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HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama and Mitt Romney debated to a tie on Tuesday night.
The president pleased Democrats with his aggressiveness and Mitt Romney pleased Republicans by making no mistakes. They say in Arkansas a tie is like kissing your sister, it’s just that good.
The Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union Friday in Stockholm. Americans did walk away with one of the big awards. This year the Nobel Prize for Economics went to a California couple who sold their house five years ago.
Martin Sheen signed to join his son Charlie Sheen on Anger Management in January’s new season. He staged a real-life intervention with Charlie last spring in Ireland. An Irish intervention is when loved ones confront you and tell you that you aren’t drinking enough.
The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona requiring voters to show a photo ID at polls. They also have a test question. They ask you who won the Battle of the Alamo, and if you say they did, they hand you a ballot and if you say we did, they call Homeland Security.
Mitt Romney canceled his appearance on The View Thursday. He decided not to sit in the middle of five women gunning for him on national TV. It’s the kind of leadership we’ve been looking for, a guy who recognizes an unwinnable quagmire when he sees one.
Alex Rodriguez was caught in the AL playoffs tossing a ball to a woman in the stands on which he had written a note asking for her phone number. He looked desperate. Neither A-Rod nor Lance Armstrong can get a date since the outbreak of meningitis was linked to steroid use.
Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones mark fifty years onstage next week. He published an economics thesis in college. He’s in the fiftieth year of proving that sex and drugs and rock and roll is a more secure career choice than investment banker or mortgage broker.
Lindsay Lohan’s publicist went on the Today Show following Lindsay’s endorsement of Mitt Romney Monday. Lindsay has become a conservative. Ever since she performed community service in a morgue last summer, the sight of the economy gives her flashbacks.
Fox Sports paid a ton of money on Monday to air NASCAR races for eight years. It’s very interesting that Fox would decide to sponsor NASCAR. NASCAR drivers spend all day going to the left and crashing, giving Fox analyst Pat Buchanan nothing surprising to report.
Democrats planned a Million Big Bird March to support taxpayer funding for Sesame Street and Big Bird. The bird signifies cheer, kindness and brotherhood. About the only nice thing that Democrats won’t say about Big Bird is how many poor people he could feed.
The George W. Bush Presidential Library scheduled its grand opening on the former president’s birthday in July at Southern Methodist University. It will stress how George Bush was a champion of individual liberty. His favorite book in college was Atlas Chugged.
Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was probed Tuesday for using campaign donations to decorate his house. He was just treated at the Mayo Clinic for bi-polar disorder and was reportedly seen drinking at a bar in Washington D.C. Rod Blagojevich deserves to have some time knocked off his sentence for not appointing him to Barack Obama’s Senate seat.
Hillary Clinton took responsibility for the U.S. embassy in Libya being attacked. The president blamed it on a spontaneous mob riot over an anti-Muslim video nobody saw. In the Pentagon dining room, they’ve just hung a portrait of Riots Sparked by Anti-Muslim Video on the wall, right between Weapons of Mass Destruction and The Domino Theory.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at