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Argus Hamilton
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BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
San Diego cops arrested Peter Robbins, the voice of Charlie Brown in the CBS Peanuts specials, for threatening his girlfriend. She let him pay twelve thousand dollars for her boob job and then she left him. It is the California version of Lucy pulling away the football.
Phil Mickelson caused an uproar in La Jolla when he said he may exit California due to the new high state income tax. It may have ruined the tournament. All weekend, golfers were missing short putts and high-fiving each other for staying out of a higher tax bracket.
North Korea announced it will conduct a nuclear test and a long-range rocket test in preparation for a missile attack aimed at the U.S. They claim their missiles can hit the West Coast. Hillary Clinton is already blaming the attack on a film student’s senior project.
Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta lifted the ban on women serving in combat units Thursday. It’s a breakthrough. This will be the first time women who are working in a trailer out in Nevada are firing drone missiles instead of entertaining conventioneers.
Arnold Schwarzenegger sought to reconcile with Maria Shriver Friday. He had a ten-year affair and a child with his house maid. Maria says she wasn’t so much bothered by the adultery but it’s just ruined her reputation at NBC News as an investigative reporter.
Democratic U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein of California introduced a bill Tuesday that’s aimed at banning assault guns from being owned by U.S. citizens. Everyone expected it. It’s a law of nature that the winning political party overreaches the day after the Inaugural.
The White House played down the fiasco that ensued from Beyonce’s lip-syncing the National Anthem at Monday’s Inaugural ceremony. The president made no mention of the staged fakery. His teleprompter said to just kiss her on the cheek and begin his speech.
John Kerry promised to divest his stock holdings that might pose a conflict of interest if he’s confirmed. He and his wife own a lot of defense industry stocks. He could be the first Secretary of State to double his net worth by intentionally screwing up peace talks.
The U.S. Senate agreed to name the new interstate highway bridge in St. Louis over the Mississippi after Stan Musial. There’s nothing to worry about. Ten years ago St. Louis named a six-lane freeway after Mark McGwire and within a few years it was sixteen lanes.
Oregon lawmakers offered a bill Friday to define tobacco as a narcotic that requires a doctor’s prescripton to purchase. You would not be able to buy cigarettes without a prescription. Within a year, the world’s busiest physician will be Michael Jackson’s doctor.
Wisconsin University published a study Thursday showing eighty percent of people lie on dating websites. They always give themselves away. Guys who say they are forty and independently wealthy often forget to take off their paper hats when they leave work.
Japan rebuked an offical who said it’d save Japan a lot of money if old people would hurry up and die. Their senior citizens survived atomic bombings. People that resistent are going to be collecting government pensions until they’re a hundred and fifty years old.
Hillary Clinton blew up in Congress Wednesday when asked why the administration displaced blame for the Benghazi attack. Everyone cowered. It’s a flash of temper no one’s ever seen from Hillary unless they dated an intern and then lied to her about it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at