HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Auto Club predicted Monday that gas prices at the pump could drop 75 cents a gallon by the start of summer. In Los Angeles, gasoline is approaching $5 a gallon.
It’s costing people $10 to burn down their houses for the insurance money.
McDonald’s announced a billion-dollar interior re-design in its U.S. restaurants.
They will have leather chairs, muted colors, sit-down counters, flat-screen TVs, and Internet access.
The only way Starbucks will be able to compete is to put marijuana in the brownies.
President Obama told CBS’ 60 Minutes he did not lose any sleep over his order to kill bin Laden. He ordered the terrorist shot on sight.
No one knows how much American history he studied as a child in Indonesia but we know he got as far as the Wild West.
The White House got the bad news Friday that unemployment went back up to 9 percent.
It’s bad.
People are so desperate for work in America that al-Qaeda received 100,000 resumes when one management position opened up last weekend.
Marvel Comics enjoyed a new movie hit last weekend when “Thor” smashed its way to the top of the box office.
He was the Viking god of lightning.
All last week Thor got an avalanche of free publicity because every Navy SEAL interviewed on TV looked just like him.
A Brooklyn Jewish newspaper apologized for editing Hillary Clinton out of the photo showing Obama’s security team watching the Navy SEALs kill bin Laden in real time.
Her hand is over her mouth.
The camera catches her realizing that Obama could get re-elected.
A Continental flight to Chicago had to be diverted to St. Louis Saturday. A man tried to walk out of the airplane through the emergency door at 30,000 feet. If you thought airport security was slow before, just wait til they start screening for mental stability.
Newt Gingrich announced his candidacy for president Wednesday.
He’s been telling social conservatives he’s cleaned up his womanizing ways and converted to Catholicism. Nothing says you have renounced adultery like converting to the religion of the Kennedys.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)