HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel issued frost warnings for 40 states Monday as an Arctic cold front sent temperatures below zero.
The nation is a virtual icebox.
Americans watching the chaos in Cairo saw the rioters wearing short sleeves and the chaos looked pretty good.
A U.S. judge ruled ObamaCare’s individual mandate unconstitutional Monday.
The law forces people in their 20s to buy health insurance.
The way to get that generation to buy a health care policy is to call it i-Bod and make it free if you switch to Verizon today.
Mexican drug smugglers were spotted using a catapult to launch marijuana bales over the border fence into the U.S. last week. The operation is shut down.
The smugglers got away, and the catapult signed a two-year contract to quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.  
Cairo had a huge anti-government march Monday where some Muslim Brotherhood leaders called for an Islamic republic.
The White House remained calm. President Obama is not officially the next Jimmy Carter until the Egyptians start taking American hostages.
Egyptian protests reached a sixth day in Cairo Monday.
There’s no mistaking a sense of human brotherhood in the air.
Last night the news showed a Sunni, a Shiite, and a Coptic Christian running down the streets of Cairo, and they were carrying King Tut together.
Cairo Airport was jammed in confusion Monday as thousands of foreigners tried to flee Egypt. The curfew forced airport check-in agents to be late for work.
The airport is so undermanned that the U.S.-bound passengers had to fondle themselves at the security gate.
Egypt’s President Hosni Mubarak cut off Internet access last week to try to break up Cairo protests. He activated a kill-switch that freezes the Internet, leaving users feeling infuriated and helpless.
The kill switch goes by the secret code name of Microsoft Windows.
Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak stayed in seclusion as the mobs clamored for his resignation Monday. The riots broke out all over the Mideast over high food prices.
Uncle Sam could lose his title as Great Satan to the Iowa farmer who invented a way to turn corn into gasoline.
CBS announced Monday it plans to stand by “Two-and-a-Half Men” star Charlie Sheen in rehab. The network pays him a million and a quarter per episode through 22 episodes next season.
And by “episodes,” the network means anything involving a police call.  
NBC’s “30 Rock” star Tracy Morgan told Charles Barkley before TNT’s Knicks telecast Thursday that he sexually fantasizes about Sarah Palin.
They both do.
It’s a common fantasy among wealthy men to be with a beautiful armed bodyguard who can lower taxes.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)