HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The TSA was overwhelmed by complaints Friday from passengers who were fondled by airport screeners.
Misunderstanding is rampant.
Every time Al Gore asks the TSA for a happy ending while they are patting him down, they assure him his flight will land safely.
Charlie Rangel stood in the well of the House Thursday and apologized to Congress. He thanked them for allowing him to address the greatest body in the world.
It’s the same thing the TSA screeners say to the women who go through Los Angeles Airport security.
President Obama was chided in Portugal, Friday, for his presidential limo projecting such imperialism. He can launch a nuclear attack, crash the markets or start a trade war.
The guy who loads his Teleprompter has more power than anybody since Caesar Augustus.
Obama used his weekly address, Saturday, to urge passage of an arms treaty with Russia. He really cranked up the fear factor.
He warned that the Russians have a new missile that can reach our shores, grope our private parts and cause us to miss the next flight.
Obama urged Senate Republicans Friday to pass the nuclear arms treaty with the Russians. What about all their spying?
The Senate should withhold passage of the treaty until the Russians provide the antidote for whatever Oksana Grigorieva injected into Mel Gibson’s forehead while he was asleep and perfectly unprejudiced three years ago.
Wesley Snipes was sent to prison for three years Friday for a tax conviction. He was never offered any payment plan.
In his last movie Wesley Snipes played a guy who wanted to join a violent and armed group with no regard for the law, but the IRS wasn’t hiring. James Carville told a crowd Friday if Hillary Clinton gave President Obama one of her testicles they’d each have one. He’s not the first person to say this. For years the number-one selling children’s book in Little Rock was “Chelsea Has Two Fathers.”
Prince William announced his engagement to Kate Middleton at Buckingham Palace Tuesday. He gave her the eighteen-carat sapphire ring his father gave to Princess Diana.
The ring is actually 17-carats of sapphire and one carat recording device and GPS.
The National Institutes of Health found Friday that one adult American in five is mentally ill. Treatment is costly.
The reason people prefer online shopping and UPS delivery is because stomping on plastic bubble wrap is a lot cheaper than anti-depressant drugs.
The Universal Studios Tour in Hollywood hosted the 33 rescued Chilean miners Friday.
They got a tram ride that gives visitors a scary, action-packed adventure full of special effects.
Every time the tram went into the tunnel the miners started rationing their potato chips.
MSNBC suspended Joe Scarborough Friday for making political donations.
The network was horrified to learn he gave to Republicans.
MSNBC only suspended Joe but they fired the North Korean staffer in charge of showing him the Queen of Hearts every morning.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)