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But you gotta want to be healed -- Argus Hamilton
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BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama in his State of the Union called for lower corporate taxes and a spending freeze and fiscal responsibility and no earmarks.
He’s certainly a changed man since the election. He sounds like he just spent 90 days at the Jerry Ford Center.
Sen. David Udall convinced lawmakers to sit mixed together at the State of the Union. Everyone sat next to their opposite number.
Republicans sat next to Democrats, liberals sat next to conservatives and Barney Frank sat next to the Mayflower Madam.
Congresswoman Michelle Bachman gave the Tea Party response to the State of the Union Tuesday.
She was once the senior class valedictorian, the homecoming queen, head cheerleader and she played the lead role in the school play. You can’t beat home schooling.
House Members vowed a more civil tone after the State of the Union Tuesday. In the spirit of bipartisanship they decided they’re going to try to walk in each other’s shoes.
Last night Nancy Pelosi went to a tanning salon and John Boehner went for botox injections.
Washington D.C. was hit by a snowstorm Thursday which shut down the federal government. It even stalled the presidential limo coming into town from Obama’s arrival from Wisconsin at Andrews Air Force Base.
They waited around for an hour until someone was willing to tell Triple-A that America’s first African-American president needed chains.
San Francisco hosted a pro-life parade Wednesday which drew 40,000 Walk for Life marchers downtown. Political observers couldn’t believe what they were seeing.
The last time San Francisco held a conservative parade the grand marshal was Captain Cook.
Sarah Palin will keynote the Reagan Library dinner in Simi Valley next week to mark the Gipper’s 100th birthday. She just can’t wait. Most speakers ask the event chairman if the speech includes dinner, but Sarah just asked if there’s a fine for shooting coyotes.
The Border Patrol called Mexican police Wednesday to arrest drug dealers using a catapult to propel marijuana bales over Arizona’s border fence into the United States. Parents, take note.
Never tell your kids that a degree in Ancient History won’t make them any money   
Hollywood movie execs partied at Park City and shopped for films to distribute at the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. Some Mormon-run counties in Utah’s remote desert areas don’t allow bars to serve alcohol.
For entertainment the bars hold dry t-shirt contests.
Iran’s government outlawed the observance of Valentine’s Day in Iran Wednesday and banned any gift-giving. That’ll never happen in America.
Obama plans to enjoy a romantic evening at a fine restaurant, wherever his Teleprompter wants to go.
Charlie Sheen was rushed to Cedars Sinai Hospital Thursday with severe abdominal pain. He’d partied all night with strippers, porn stars and hookers. An hour after he checked into the hospital, a priest came to his room and swore him in as Italy’s next prime minister.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at