HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Chile celebrated the rescue Tuesday of thirty-three miners who were trapped a thousand feet down for two months.
The miners had to survive on one spoonful of tuna every two days.
Marie Osmond has to live the same way or lose her contract with Nutri-System.
President Obama told a crowd Sunday that Republicans are counting on black people to stay home on Election Day.
Now that the banks have suddenly halted all evictions, everyone can leave the house on Election Day. A president from Chicago is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
Tea Party GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell denied she’s a witch in a new TV ad Monday while a GOP candidate in Ohio was shown in photos wearing a Nazi uniform as a World War II re-enactor.
Liberals were apoplectic.
They’ll never realize that the U.S. is a constitutional republic, not a marbles inventory.
The White House ended its offshore drilling ban Tuesday. Oil companies agreed to put blowout preventers on each well.
Nobody in Washington ever heard of blowout preventers until the BP accident and now the Democrats would sell their soul for one.
The White House announced Monday the U.S. government will divest its General Motors stock next month. GM is going to miss the government’s public relations department.
Last spring Toyota was forced to rely on word-of-mouth to let the public know the runaway car story was a hoax.
USA Today reported Tuesday that Californians are moving back to Oklahoma by the thousands after a three-generation stay.
Blame it on the food police.
Denny’s of California had no idea that so many customers were genetically pre-disposed to chicken fried steak when they took it off the menu last year.
Philadelphia’s Juan Rodriguez won a million dollars from an Internet mogul Sunday for running naked past Obama at an outdoor rally.
Justice was swift.
He was arrested for indecent exposure and for contradicting the president’s premise that all men are created equal.  
Al-Qaeda called for jihadists Tuesday to open fire on U.S.
government bureaucrats at restaurants in Washington D.C. during their lunch hour. The nation’s voters were angry to hear it. The first thing Americans are taught in school is to wait your turn.
Mexico’s drug violence escalated between cops and drug dealers Tuesday in Tijuana. Cops were shown grabbing street corner dealers and knocking out their teeth.
With gold over a thousand dollars an ounce not everyone has the patience to stand in a river and shake a pan.
China’s oil company bought one-third of Chesapeake’s South Texas oil field Monday, bringing the Chinese to Texas.
Is this wise?
China has never invaded another country and once they get caught up in college football you don’t want to be Vietnam, India or Mongolia if Texas loses to A&M.
China blocked European diplomats Tuesday from meeting with jailed Nobel Peace Prize winner Liu Xiobao. The Obama administration refused to join the effort.
It goes against American values to criticize China this close to a Treasury bill auction.
Brett Favre was ensnared in a sex scandal Monday involving lewd photos and texts to a cheerleader and two masseuses.
He’s suddenly the new king of the tabloids.
In Los Angeles last night, he took the Oath of Exhibitionism and was initiated into the Kardashian Family.   
The Dallas Cowboys were named America’s favorite NFL team Tuesday in the annual Harris Poll. The poll says a lot. If Obama realized that America’s three favorite teams are named Cowboys, Vikings and Raiders he’d never have accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)