HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
    Louisville Slugger announced it’s making baseball bats out of harder wood this year for Major League teams. The bats will be tested as never before. This year teams will no longer buy their baseball bats at sporting good stores but instead at Mafia supply shops.
    Tulsa dentist Scott Harrington was busted Friday for using dirty instruments, setting off a hepatitis scare. His repeat business points out a basic truth. People will put up with just about anything if they know you genuinely care about them or have nitrous oxide.
    Rasmussen Poll said the number of Americans who believe in Jesus’
resurrection fell thirteen percent last year. He lost thirteen points in one year. Jesus never should have hired Mitt Romney’s campaign consultant to help him win in his race against lust and sloth.
    North Korea threatened to launch nuclear missiles at L.A., Washington and Austin on Friday. Response was twofold. The U.S.
activated two dozen anti-missile batteries to shoot them down and the Texas Secession Convention just adjourned until further notice.
    The Pentagon sent the USS John McCain into the Pacific to the waters off the Korean peninsula Monday. It’s capable of intercepting a missile in case North Korea fires one. The John McCain can also bring illegal immigrants from the Korean peninsula to California.
    Arkansas U.S. Congressman Don Young referred to Latinos as wetbacks Tuesday as he recalled how they picked tomatoes on his farm forty years ago when he was young. He refused to apologize, saying that’s how people talked in the Seventies. If they take him to court it could be the first time Nixon’s White House tapes ever exonerated a Republican.
    President Obama was surprised by an Easter sermon at St. John’s where the preacher blasted Republicans. He couldn’t wait for it to end.
In the Episcopal Church, the sermon is followed by the Prayers of the People which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes
    President Obama named April as National Financial Responsibility Month. He wants young people to learn how to budget. In a related story, President Obama told everyone not to sweat the unemployment rate because the depression is covered under ObamaCare.
    President Obama dropped below fifty percent job approval in polls on Monday. The breakdown is the same. He polls well among women and minorities but he’s still losing among men and any state where you can buy a Confederate flag head-scarf at the 7-Eleven.
    The White House admitted Friday that ObamaCare is causing health insurance costs to rise. They had promised that the costs would go down and you could still keep your doctor. Unfortunately your doctor has retired but you still have plenty of choices, like in Los Angeles, where you can get the drugs you need from either the Crips or the Bloods.
    Washington Business Monthly reported a real estate survey Monday which said that Washington D.C. is the least affordable city in America. That’s misleading. It takes a lot of money to live in Washington D.C. but most of it is borrowed from China and never paid back.
    The U.S. Bankruptcy Court allowed Stockton, California, to go bankrupt Monday which sparked fears of a domino effect in the Golden State. Now bond investors won’t get their money back. If the Supreme Court didn’t like our prison overcrowding before, they’re really not going to like it when the entire state is walled off into one giant debtor’s prison.
    The New York Times published a length study entitled Social Class in America which factored in education, income and occupations. It’s much simpler than all that. In America, you’re in the upper class if your name is on the building, you’re in the middle class if your name is on your desk, and you’re in the working class if your name is on your shirt.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.