HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Little League uniforms bear an I Won’t Cheat patch thanks to Dale Murphy’s national campaign. It’s a growing movement. I Won’t Cheat was just endorsed by the MLB Players Association, NCAA football coaches and the Bill Clinton foundation so it’s lost all credibility.
San Diego mayor Bob Filner resigned after more ladies accused him of groping them Thursday. It’s misplaced talent. Instead of being a politician Bob could have been the happiest grapefruit picker in California but everyone wants to be something they’re not.
The California Assembly passed a bill Friday permitting legal immigrants to serve on juries. So just who determines who’s legal and who’s not? If all a defense lawyer has to do is prove one juror was an illegal alien to overturn a verdict, O.J. can get married again.
Warner Bros. cast Ben Affleck to play Batman in the next Batman movie and it didn’t go down well with movie fans. Petitions arrived on the White House website asking Barack Obama to intervene. Even Syria calls the casting decision a crime against humanity.
President Obama refused to consider sending U.S. troops to Syria Friday. The country has colonial ties to France, military ties to Russia, Iranian support and al-Qaeda rebels. For once America’s blessed to have a leader from Chicago with experience in this situation.
U.N. Ambassador Samantha Power missed the U.N. Security Council emergency meeting on Syria’s gas attacks. She refused to appear at the U.N. from her scheduled vacation. Sports books in Las Vegas took bets on it being a face lift at 60 percent, eye tuck at 40.
The Alabama Crimson Tide is favored to defend its national football title in Pasadena this year. The trip is weird. If you see a 50-year-old man on a bicycle in Los Angeles he is working out, but if you see a 50-year-old man on a bicycle in Alabama, he’s got a DUI.
Oklahoma City police laid siege to a rap group’s tour bus after they refused to get out after a stop Friday. It’s a culture clash there.
The rap star Pit Bull was advertised on the billboard of an Indian casino in Oklahoma and three guys came to the show with their dogs.
The Army refused convicted leaker Bradley Manning’s request for hormone therapy and gender-reassignment surgery so he can become a woman. He announced he wants to be called Chelsea Manning. From now on he’ll be doing all his Wiki-Leaking sitting down.
The Butler was not allowed to be shown in a Kentucky movie theater because one of the stars is Jane Fonda and the theater owner is a Vietnam veteran. She just released a yoga DVD for seniors. Her favorite position by far is the Upward Evacuation from Saigon.
Aaron Hernandez was indicted for murder in Boston Thursday. The victim texted his sister from the football star’s back seat that he was about to get killed. It didn’t take the NHSA five minutes to declare it proves it’s not safe for anyone to text while a car is moving.
Alex Rodriguez vowed he will no longer discuss his dispute with Yankees ownership Thursday and will just talk baseball. He’s not the player he once was. Before last night’s game Alex promised a dying kid in the hospital that he would ground out to second for him.
President Obama told CNN Friday that Republicans in Congress are afraid of passing a budget that funds ObamaCare because of what Rush Limbaugh will say. The radio star pays cash for his medical care from his savings. It’s an idea that could destroy the economy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.