HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow Monday to play this season. He’s going to be a wealthy white male, a Christian conservative and wear the Patriots logo. His tax return is going to set off bells in the Cincinnati IRS office like he just won the showcase on The Price is Right.
The NSA said its phone surveillance is just looking for words that may signal a threat to our nation. They look for words like bombing, killing and destroying. So if there’s a comedian you’d like to lock up in Guantanamo, call him up and ask him how he did last night.
President Obama wrapped up a weekend summit with China’s president Xi Jing Ping Sunday. The U.S. and China leaders discussed the red-hot issue of cyber-spying. Until now President Obama was too proud of his natural ability to seek help from a teaching pro.
The White House came under criticism about NSA data-mining Monday. They comb phone records, monitor e-mails, texts, tweets and Facebook postings. Barack Obama started out being our first black president and he wound up being your crazy former lover.
Anthony Weiner rose in the polls in the N.Y. mayor’s race Thursday. The voters seem happy with his amends. He apologized to his wife for his sex misconduct, he apologized to the nation for lying about it, and he apologized to Bill Clinton for copyright infringement.
CBS News reported Hillary Clinton’s State Department security agents hired hookers overseas. They brought hookers to their hotel rooms, cheated them out of their fee, and then lied about it. Congress has two words for this kind of behavior - bad sportsmanship.
Toyota of Japan announced the recall of 87,000 Prius hybrids Friday due to faulty brakes on the cars. The bad news is it could take months to get them all fixed. The good news is that the Prius doesn’t go fast enough for brakes to be a safety issue.
Syrian rebels pleaded for U.S. military help Sunday after Hezbollah intervened to back up Assad. It’s our duty to intervene. Part of the factory warranty Mideast countries get whenever the CIA installs their dictator is that every 40 years, we rotate the tyrants.
The Pentagon acknowledged Friday a U.S. missle drone attack took out the Taliban’s number-two commander. He’s the fourth number-two leader of the Taliban the U.S. has assassinated by drones in four years. Who says the administration isn’t creating new jobs?
President Obama stopped by a North Carolina middle school Thursday and told kids that every school should have high-speed Internet. The kids aren’t cool with the idea. Its bad enough when the teacher catches you passing notes in class, they don’t need the president busting them for music piracy.
Barack Obama on Friday tried to defend the NSA data-mining program he campaigned against five years ago. His supporters feel betrayed. When he promised the American people complete transparency, no one thought he was talking about collecting our X-rays.
NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden may have sought asylum in Hong Kong Monday from U.S. extradition. Negotiations would be tricky between Hong Kong and the United States. It’s a self-ruling former British colony but it’s owned by China, and so is Hong Kong.
NSA contractor Edward Snowden admitted Sunday he leaked the details of the NSA’s spying on U.S. phone calls and Internet activity. He quit high school, washed out of the Army and still wound up with a $200,000-a-year job. Every teenager’s parents in America would attend his seminar if the Learning Annex signed him up to speak.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.